mortality has a funny way of sneaking up on you
August 31, 2005 @ 11:11 p.m.
I saw him today, saw him moving things out of the place where so many memories were made (at least in my mind), and it...shot me back to nearly two years ago, when I was...in such a different place when it came to him...when it came to everything. I feel so old now, so mortal. I was so young then, so idealistic, so hoping that it wouldn't turn out to be some horrible, one-sided thing.
It seems inevitable, now. And I don't regret it. And I don't regret him. He's still very important to me...historically, if nothing else. He was truly the first man that ever made me feel like I was worth anything. And that's valid...even if nothing else about that relationship was. Ironically, he was also the first man who rejectd me outright for my lack of physical attractiveness. The double-edged sword, the irony, oh...the sweet fucking irony.
I am restless in my life, and unhappy. I don't know how to get happy. I want to wake up in the morning and like that I'm alive. I don't hate it now, but I'm not satisfied with it.
...Anytime I try philosophy anymore, I just fail miserably. I just want these 15 weeks to go fast. I just want to not fail. I just want to get through. Then maybe I can form some semblance of a life and begin to build around myself things that will make me happy. I've been waiting in limbo for too long.
I could die tomorrow. And I don't want to die unhappy.
<< | >>
B-e-a-t-l-e-s. - November 05, 2005
Give me a reason to believe - October 24, 2005
sleep now, again. - October 09, 2005
a little note to my favorite band - October 04, 2005
just another being afraid - September 18, 2005