The other drowning
February 24, 2002 @ 3:23 p.m.
I'm sorry that this diary isn't all that it could be. This could have been so much more. I have so much potential. Honest, I do.
As you can see, my mood has fallen. Why do I always get fucking melancholy after I say I'm happy?
That doesn't make much sense.
"I begged you not to go.
I begged you, I pleaded.
Claimed you as my only hope
and watched the floor as you retreated......"
I'm falling further and further. Both Jessica and I realize it. She knows I'm heading for a very dangerous place.
I know I'm already there.
And I'm not talking about my typical drowning, over-my-head suicide speak. I'm talking of my other drowning.
But I enjoy it too much.
It's too sunny today. I wish the sun would fade back into my mood, grey, quiet.
Shhh. Listen.
You can hear the quiet.
And I like the fact that I can breathe you in and be filled for a while. I only have to see you once a week and I'm okay.
It's those long months that always get me.
And I want you to talk to me instead of me always talking to you. It's not that fair that I always have to give.
I'm not going to be weak, speak to you. But you don't see it as that. Why do I?
I make things too complicated. You like to just let things flow.
And that's why I truly think I could never be with you. Because you're my other drowning, and in being my other drowning you seem to just cause more problems anyway.
I like problems.
The other drowning. Why can't it be simple? Why can't I just accept the fact I'll be alone for a while?
A long while?
Perhaps forever?
Perhaps it's okay.
Perhaps most nights I won't think of you as I fall asleep, wishing you were in my arms.
Perhaps I'll stop equating love with sex. Sex with obsession. Obsession with love.
Perhaps I should start being truthful to myself.
The other drowning will always be one-sided.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006