blue, you radiant blue
January 14, 2006 @ 3:38 p.m.
There are a lot of things that I'm confused on, that I don't know how to make sense of right now. And I don't know that I HAVE to make sense of them right yet, necessarily, but I know I should probably learn SOMEthing in this time between school and work. I'm less afraid than normal right now of failing, but I still feel a time pressure. Like...in six months, I HAVE to pay things back. If I could, I'd just take six months or a year and GO. Just leave and not think about anything, leave and work and get things all taken care of. Find beauty somewhere.
But there's the time I have to consider. And the failing.
what goes up has so far down to fall
I don't want to be like everyone else, though. I want to be happy, and I want to have things that I like, but I don't want to NEED things, you know? I want to be different. I want to grow up, but fight against the things that are expected of me that I don't want. And I don't know how to fight like that. But I want to. I want to fight the adult I see myself becoming if I don't pay attention and care for my morals and beliefs.
I heard it from a friend
The Revolution never happened
Sigh
A little die
No more a child
Goodbye
Even if I don't go out to Raleigh in a month, I DO need to get out of here. I don't know if it's temporary or involves moving for real, but I DO need to get out of here. As much as I love Iowa (which...I do, to a point), I can't stand it in winter. Everything's dead. Everything's various shades of brown and there's this horrible boringness that just...HANGS over my city and everywhere and I feel a need to get out.
I'm not driving anymore, either. Even when I was just driving back and forth between one place, I felt like I was truly going somewhere, and it took away from my cabin fever, my wandering mind, my horrible, horrible restlessness.
If I don't go to Raleigh, I'll go to Denver. Or Mississippi. Or anywhere. Just to get out of here for a while.
Now - I need a change of scenery
Just listen to me I won't pretend to
Understand the movement of the wind
Or the waves out in the ocean or how
Like the hours I change softly slowly
Plainly blindly
Life is just so hard to figure out sometimes. I don't try too hard at it, because I'm afraid if I do, I'll just mess it up. So I'm just trying to live through things, have fun, laugh, fall in love, listen to music, appreciate.
I don't think there's anything more you can do but that.
Of course...I could always be wrong...
shout just let it on out
confusion becomes a philosophy
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006