boyfriend
November 22, 2003 @ 3:16 p.m.
I don't need a boyfriend. But I want one very badly.
I want someone who calls me, who cares about whether I make it home or not, someone who likes my body (even though I don't) and someone who's willing to break through all of my fears about trust so that I will be raw and needing.
I want to be in love. I never have been, but I want to be. I want to feel that. I want to.
Although I don't want to settle, necessarily (mostly because there's not even anyone to settle for), I know that what I want and what I'm likely to get are two very different things. I know that I'm good for conversation, and have a nice laugh, and can make people laugh.
I also know that I can't cook, and I'm not emotionally stable, and that I fear commitment. I know that I am incredibly self-conscious about my physical person. I know I fear love, the very thing that I want, and I equate sex with love, which is very...Christian of me, but that's a strong remnant from thirteen years in Catholic school education.
I am painfully naive, yet I like to think I know everything. I know I am not what most men think of when they think of their "ideal woman." I'd like to think maybe someday somebody will want me. I like to think that because I cannot bear it to think otherwise.
I do know what I want in a man. Looks don't matter much to me -- I've never really been concerned by them. I'm interested in a person who I can hold a conversation with, someone who can keep my interest for long periods of time. Someone who's as fascinated by me as I am by them. I do know what I want. It's just a matter of getting it.
And that, my friends, is the problem. Because I fear men. I always have. I cannot approach them because I fear rejection on any level. I fear pain. I fear. I fear. I am so afraid. And that is just how it goes for me. I have just always been afraid.
It wears on you, being afraid all of the time. My self-esteem is in shambles because of it. And having to pick the pieces up, one by one by yourself, is impossible (or so I'm finding). I want someone who can help with that. Who will want to help me.
And more. There's so much more. Companionship. I've been alone for all of my life, and as far as I'm concerned it's an unnatural state. I've done well with it as much as I can, and I know how to be alone, and I know who I am when I am alone. Now I want to learn who I am when I am with someone. I think I've earned it. I think it's my time.
So no. I don't need a boyfriend. But it would be nice to have one.
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always the same - July 01, 2008
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006