I am a mess.

cannot is more like it
February 07, 2004 @ 11:36 p.m.

I'm looking through all of my old photos, the ones of me growing up. And it's frightening. Because my face hasn't changed at all. My mouth has -- my teeth are straightened now. But my eyes and my cheeks and my chin and my high, high forehead, and everything about me is still frightfully the same, still frightfully unkempt. I wish I could scan some of these pictures for all of you so that you could see. See so little physical progress in the twenty years I've been alive.

It's strange to think that I'm the same way I was ten years ago, with the exception of much more weight and much less smiling. Me with big dorky glasses and braces, and you see pictures now of me and it's really just more of the same. Except, back then, I had some serious spunk.

That was the true difference. In all these pictures you can see my attitude. I knew what I was going to be. So did my brother.

...he was going to be a dork when he grew up.

And now...now I smile like everyone else for the camera. And it's all a fake smile, like everyone else's fake smile. And we all smile so fake together.

I was at Happy Chef tonight, by myself, and wrote something so personal that I can't bring myself to post it. It's just so plainly true. And it's probably about you, dear reader, in one form or another. But it had to come out. And now it's out, on paper.

And you will never see it, because of the stigma brought here to diaryland. You see, too many people who mean too much read this diary now, and have been for a while. You learn to edit your thoughts when that's the case, and I do so now almost without noticing.

I must edit it out now. There are just some things I will not share with you.

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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006