Fix it, fix me.
August 11, 2005 @ 12:39 a.m.
And I know I shouldn't think this way, but every time I have a moment to myself nowadays I just think at how terrible things are. And they're not terrible in the normal sense of the word -- nothing's really happening -- but it's a quiet terrible, a hushed terrible, something that almost seems worse to me because you can't hear it coming, it sneaks up on you in the night and envelops you in its fog and before long you don't even miss the idea that you can't see where things are going.
...That probably didn't make sense. I haven't been making much sense nowadays. But at the risk of sounding emo, I'm going to keep going. I want to get this out.
I'm just...still filled with so much self-loathing. It haunts me, it eats me alive, my skin is flayed open for it. I feel worthless. I can't describe it any more than that. It comes and it goes and tonight it comes so strongly that breathing hurts. Some nights it's okay that I am alone, and that I am not loved as so many people are loved. But tonight is not one of those nights and I feel lonely and I cannot fix this loneliness, it is a fixed point, it shall not move.
I shall not.
Part of me wonders if moving, just...moving after all of this is finished would help. But I think it will just be the same problems in the same place and I don't know how to fix it, and I'll be stuck there, alone and fending for myself, with all of the same problems that came before. Different place, same issues.
First comes Germany, then comes a new home. I'm afraid. I'm so tired of being alone. 22 years, my friends. It is my twenty-second year of being alone and being ignored and I am...very afraid. Because this year....I don't know if I'm going to make it through this year. Right now, it feels like I can't make it another minute, much less another whole 365 days of decisions and intense sadness and melancholy and choices to make, but nothing that matters.
Sometimes I feel like I can make a difference in myself -- I feel like I have it in me -- but at these moments, at these stops in the early mornings, it just seems so pointless. Everything seems so pointless. I know that it's not, and I know that everything will maybe/probably/hopefully be fine in the morning, but...
fix it. Fix it. Fix me.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006