he's right, you know
February 21, 2004 @ 6:48 a.m.
I had this long and eloquent response typed out about how I felt about what Aaron said about being embarrassed of me. And I even posted it in here. But I deleted it.
I keep having all these things I want to say about it, and I realize that none of it will make a difference.
I realize that he's right. He should be ashamed of me. It's the thing that I fear more than anything, embarrassing others because of my behavior, or in this case, my looks. I never want to offend. And it seems that I have.
And he's completely right.
And yet there's nothing I'll do about it. I'll just lose sleep and cry incessantly.
There's nothing I can do about it. I'm always going to be an embarrassment to somebody. I'll always be not good enough. That's what my father said, if not through his words, then through his actions, and you know. He wasn't wrong.
Don't you get it? It'll never get better. I'll never stop disappointing. As much as I plan my day around not disappointing, as much as I am careful about everything that I ever do just so I don't disappoint...it doesn't matter. It'll never get better. It'll never end.
He's right, you know.
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006