Ideal, exposed
May 02, 2002 @ 8:41 a.m.
So. Things with Kyle. Bad.
He's gone.
He's immature and a pain in the ass sometimes and I love and miss him already.
I question what I have done, whether he was worth all of it. I know he was, in an instant. Worth everything that I felt for him that he never felt. Worth everything I felt that I couldn't express because I knew I was feeling too much.
You see, that's the difference between me and him...he's looking to feel because he's been numb for so long. I'm looking to be numb because I've felt for so long. Perhaps that's why this wasn't meant to work out. I don't want to wax all God and fate...because I don't know if it's that.
I'm beginning to learn I don't know much of anything.
And although there are a lot of moot points to make about this whole argument that we had, I pretty much know it's pointless to try and argue them anyway. It's not like he cares; he even said so himself.
Well, Christ...what he did he want from me? Did he want me to say that I loved him? I can't say that for sure. I don't know what I felt for him...it was more than he ever felt for me, but I don't know if it's love.
It's another moot point to love him anyway. We're two completely different souls, and we have Distance between us. Distance has never been my friend. So what's the point of loving him, even if I did? So he can gloat over the fact that he's won another girl's heart?
Kyle, you have it. You've had my heart since the first time you said hello. Do you understand that? Because I don't. I have yet to ascertain exactly what I find attractive in you. I think perhaps it's the fact that you're such a free spirit.
I don't care if you don't believe me. I want you to be happy. That's all.
Just another ideal, exposed.
Yes, I regret all the games that I played, and all the half-truths I told. I regret not telling you...what? I don't know. How I feel? I don't know myself, and as I've said, it's pointless. You don't care about me that way, much less at all. Why should it make a difference in what I feel?
I am not trying to be the victim. I know I messed up...I just wish he'd read it all. There is bad things in here about him, where I debunk his character, scream and cry about what a shithead he's being.
And then there are entries of complete worship, where I practically make him a god...I guess he failed to see those. I'm not sure why I have to defend my writing...I never had to before, and I certainly never imagined that it would be to Kyle I would have to defend my writing to.
Read this. Are you sure I hate you, Kyle?
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006