I can't seem to find a way to let you know that I don't care...I know it's always someone else's fault but never yours
December 30, 2003 @ 12:12 a.m.
Concerning my father, I think Aaron believes I'm afraid of him. He even mused as much in a voice I'll never forget. And it's somewhat true. I am afraid of how easily I feel pity for my father. He is not to be pitied and how dare I feel anything for him! but you always remember the first one you cared about more than oxygen, don't you? And so no, I won't mind much clinging to Aaron around my father. Because sometimes, as much as I know I am a strong person, I crave and want and perhaps even need Aaron's strength.
I don't know what to do about my father but I don't know that I should be worried. He's not worth my thoughts, I realize that absolutely. But if that's the case, why do I burst into tears whenever I think of his position in life? Am I just too emphathetic for my own damn good? ...That's highly unlikely, because only with my father do I act this way. I hate the hold he has on me but I don't break it.
I don't. I don't because he is alone and unloved and will die that way, and I fear that. For him and for myself. And I would want someone to be there for me, and so I stay for him. I stay because I can't have him be alone. Because I can't leave. Because someday that will be me.
I want to believe that I am not like my father but it is the thing that I fear the most. What if it just hasn't happened yet? What if I just haven't found my drink yet, haven't found my Black Velvet and Squirt yet? What if it hasn't happened yet because I don't have a six-year-old daughter to sniff my cup for alcohol ("See if your father's been drinking today, Kelly"), or sit down in the basement for three summers, trembling-afraid of upsetting me if I heard her being a little too loud picking through almost-bare cupboards for lunch? What if it's all just dormant, just waiting for the right time to come out?
I have his eyes and his humor. Why shouldn't I have all the rest? Why shouldn't I have the alcoholism, the self-destructive streak, the depression, the hallucinations? Why shouldn't it be mine just as much as it is his?
Feeling: don't ask.
Listening to: Dashboard Confessional's "The Brilliant Dance"
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006