linger, this loneliness
July 09, 2005 @ 3:24 p.m.
I just get so frustrated with myself sometimes, because it seems like I want too much, like I require too much out of someone. Maybe it's because I require myself to be perfect (although I'm always falling short of that goal) and since I have to be perfect, everyone does. Maybe that's my fucked-up way with dealing with things....how I can dismiss people so carelessly from my life when they've fucked up. I don't have the propensity to forgive much, and so I just send them away. And maybe that's why I'll always be alone...because I don't have the capacity to forgive people when they've done wrong, I don't have the capacity for forgiveness and therefore it's not like I'm really human in the first place.
I guess I'm just really kinda tired of being lonely. Not in the physical sense of aloneness, because there are plenty of people in my life (although most I'm not even sure I want there in the first place). It's not that. It's the fact that I wake up lonely and I go to bed lonely, and that there isn't anyone here to comfort me physically when I need it, and not anyone to touch and care for me and love me. I want someone to be here with me. I'm tired...I'm tired...I'm so tired. I have people questioning now if I have a boyfriend. People wondering whether or not I have someone in my life, if I'm good enough to attract anyone.
I can't seem to attract ANYBODY. Not...ANYBODY. Not even the ones that are creepy, not the ones that I could never see myself falling for in the first place (I'm better than they are, you know, I'm better than everyone, oh yes), not even the ones who are blind or ugly or...something. Not even the ones that try everyone, and I mean everyone.
Alone. And I'm getting sensitive about it. I know what the reasons are...but I don't want to fix them. I just want someone to love me for the way that I am now so that if I ever become more beautiful (inside or out) that it wouldn't even be an issue, and they'd be happy with me any way that I was.
It's harder than I ever thought, and taking longer than I ever thought it would take. And I don't plan on living forever. In fact, I'm already starting to realize I won't live past my fifties. Nobody in my family does.
I'm being fatalistic.
Just...seeing people, together, seeing couples around me...it just reminds me what I'm missing. About the things that I'll probably never have. And goddamnit, yes, I'm being fatalistic, but I don't care. I don't fucking care. This is what it feels like now, this very moment, and if anyone tries to convince me that it's not going to be the case at all, that everything will happen "in time", and that there's someone out there for me, I'm going to fly to wherever it is that they are and stab them. a lot.
This pain seems to linger, this...loneliness. It gets stronger and worse every day.
I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't know what to do except get drunk and be sad. I don't know.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006