starting to smile
March 09, 2004 @ 4:11 p.m.
Whilst driving today, I was struck by all sorts of thoughts about myself, and about things in general. I contemplated why I'm not happy in Iowa, and it's not because I don't like the physical characteristics of Iowa. Granted, the corn can be a bit much at times, but generally speaking, Iowa is a pretty state. It's more the things that Iowa has come to represent in the nineteen or so years I've lived here. (Remember kids, I'm twenty, but I lived in Indiana for a year.) It's the same faces that I have to face every day. It's the responsibility, it's school. I loved school in Indiana but quickly grew bored with it when I came back to Iowa. Now I have to force myself to class each day, and make myself do assignments. It never used to be like that.
I'm getting sick of Iowa all over again, just like I did in high school. The feelings that I had then are returning, the blatant hatred and quiet panic in not being able to leave whenever I feel the need to breathe. I feel the reins of adulthood pulling me back, keeping me locked into a routine that I can't stand. And it would be better if I were easy to please -- if a decent house, children, a husband who loved me dearly and a job that I performed well at were all that mattered. But I'll never be like that. I'm a dreamer. I'm curious how things can be better and jealous of people who have that better. I want to explore and live in different cities and states -- I don't know if I could survive staying in Iowa for the rest of my life. I have an itch, and it's an itch to move on, move forward, find something better. It's in constant conflict with my work ethic because I'm a lazy bastard, but it's always there.
I really don't know what, if anything, will satisfy me, and I don't know why I can't be satisfied. I don't know if it's my pessimism, or the fact I believe there's something better to be had, or what exactly. But I always wonder what will make me satisfied.
There are the small things, to be sure -- I see myself calming, more calm now than I was even months ago. I can see myself having a child now. I can see myself being with someone, finding a place that I like, finding joy in Saturday morning cartoons and soccer games. But I also know that I could never have just that. I would still need my literature (and perhaps literature courses as well), my music, my debating skills and my passion for things. I want to find more of the small things that I appreciate so I can be appreciative more often.
I feel...I feel...I feel like I'm in a transition phase of my life, where everything has been generally bad and where everything will generally be good in the years to come. I feel like things can get better from here, and, more importantly, I feel like they will. I feel it's just a matter of time before I start to smile more often.
Feeling: calm.
Listening to: Alkaline Trio is in my head
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always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006