talking to a dead movie star
April 27, 2006 @ 9:57 p.m.
I don't know where I am at in life. I don't know what I'm doing with myself.
I know it feels some days that I'm doing it alone, but I suppose everyone feels that way.
"No one ever lies about being lonely."
I can't get that line out of my head. Mostly because I've asked myself if it's true, a hundred times I have, and each time when I think I'm fooling myself, that I'm saying I'm lonely just for attention or for something to say or do --
I realise that I'm wrong.
I am lonely. It's just less noticeable on some days.
I don't want to dwell on it. I'm trying not to dwell on it.
I'm trying to make myself better so it'll fix itself. (Notice, I still think even now I can't fix it.)
Hell, I know how to fix it. I know the three words I'd have to say to Matt to make it all better, to make it fixed.
I don't want to break his heart again, honest I don't.
Sometimes I fantasize about how things could be, if only so many things were different about my life, and who I am, and who I've become, and who I will be. Sometimes I think I could be the world's greatest person, or one of them, if only I was smarter or tried harder or thought more brilliantly or inventively or did something remarkable, just a little remarkable, or different or special or important or not terribly important, but important in that it touched someone, someone very deeply.
I'm not any of that. And I think that's the main problem that I'm having with my life right now, is that I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not anybody remarkable. I always was taught that I could be, and I should be, and maybe I even was at some point. But I'm not anymore. Now I go to a job and I come home and I read books and I talk to friends and I am beginning to learn that's nothing important, that's nothing special, everybody does that.
I always wanted to be special. I don't know how to make it so that I am special, though, anymore. I think I have to be satisfied with the life that I have, even though it's fairly unremarkable in most of its fashions. It's just something I have to learn.
It's another thing, learning that my love really can't be used at this point in life, when I feel like I have so much that I can give.
But there's so much I would take away. I'd be a leech at this point in my life, but I need someone who's strong enough to let me do that. To grab on and suck from them my conscience, my self-esteem.
Oh....I don't know. It all seems too much to think about, most days.
But if I don't think about it, I start to get sad. But if I do think about it, I start to get sad.
It's fairly pathetic, but I don't want to feel sorry for myself. This is a part of learning, is sadness. It's a part of growing and learning about oneself and determining what you can and cannot succeed at.
"No one ever lies about being lonely."
Who knows, Montgomery Clift. Who knows.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006