the tarp has sprung a leak
May 09, 2005 @ 2:32 p.m.
There are some times when I doubt things about us, things that I shouldn't be doubting, but I do because I'm afraid or insecure. I know that I always love him. I know why I love him. I know that I will always.
But I don't always know why he loves me. And it takes a lot sometimes to be assured that he even does love me, even when he says it, even when he knows what it means to me to have him say it.
I know I just have to be stronger. And it's taking time. I can't be taking it out on him...on us. It's for me to deal with, not him. He shouldn't have to suffer because I'm insecure.
Reason is beginning to catch up with me. How can I love someone 5000 miles away? That's...fucking ridiculous. The logistics of it are mind-numbing. But my heart doesn't follow logistics...that's why it's my heart. And so I'm struggling in this love. I'm trying to calm it all down, sort it all out.
We have these conversations that just...they put me so close to him. They meld us together, we mix, melt. We should be able to be together. We should. We should, damnit.
But if I keep saying "it's not fair", I'm going to have to rip my hair out. So I'll just know it's not, and continue on.
This kind of thing takes a lot of strength. I just keep hoping I have it in me.
I look at him, and I know I do.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006