Commitment and my ankh
January 16, 2002 @ 11:11 a.m.
I talked to Jessica until I gasped for air last night. There was so much I had to tell her, so much she needed to hear about my situation. I felt bad, afterwards, for using her as a pawn just to listen to me. I don't often talk that much without listening. It had just all built up inside, and I needed a release, I needed someone to talk to whom I knew wouldn't judge me. It is difficult to find these people. I find them disappearing faster every day.
New thoughts come racing through my head. Do I still like it here? Do I still feel like everything's okay here? I find myself answering no. What does that mean? Does that mean I leave? Or do I stay, and battle with the familiar, that sickening odorous familiar?
There are times that I want to leave so badly that it burns. But I don't know why. There's nothing for me anywhere else besides here and Iowa -- I have things there, people there. But perhaps that's my problem...I don't like anything lasting. My father has ingrained in me through experience that commitment is something that you can't commit to. I never thought I would be like my father, but I am. I am my father in ways that I never wanted to be.
I wear an pewter ankh on a chain around my neck. An ankh is an ancient Egyptian symbol representing life. It looks similar to a cross but loops at the top. I saw it in a pewter shop and knew it had to be mine, and five dollars later, it was. I am fascinated by Egyptian culture and the ankh represents my beliefs.
I just thought I would share that with you -- a little insight on a rather boring day.
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