Honestly
February 18, 2002 @ 10:38 a.m.
I didn't update yesterday....couldn't get to a computer. So I'm going to write down the thoughts that I've recorded in my mind for the past couple of days.
I need to feel a gaping wound in my side to understand true happiness. Listlessness results in having too much pleasure.
I dream of the day when you're able to come to me and look me in the eyes with no questions poised on your lips. I dream of the day those lips touch mine in anticipation, sucking just a little life from my soft flesh.
I crave the day you lust for me, aching. I know better than to ask for your hands to grab my wrists and your eyes to flash dark. For your tongue to punish and torture me, holding me in suspended agony forever......
Horrible dream Saturday night, kids.
There was this wonderful surgeon who was dying, his heart was failing. If he lived he would be able to save thousands of childrens' eyesight. And so, for the good of society, they decided to euthanize me instead.
They wanted to take my heart, and although I told them that mine was dying too, they wanted it anyway. For the good of society.
And so I tired to accept it. I tried to find God, to come to peace with Him. The night before I was killed I was down on my knees, begging, praying, sobbing.
God did not answer.
And to the hospital I went, walking through mobs of people who jeered and laughed. And I kept trying to convince them that it wasn't worth it, that my heart was dying too.
They took it anyway.
After a while you just get sick of the looks of disgust and pity and press harder across those veins. Long sleeves and jewelry cover it all. Not even something I have to worry about, getting caught. Nobody knows, no one sees the welts, sees my tears, feels the sting of metal pressed into my flesh.
I'm so proud........I broke skin last night. Last time I was too afraid. It's just like a cat's scratch that won't stop stinging.
As you can see, I've had a horrible past few days......and I don't even know why. Slept rather uncomfortably, woke cold and wondering why I dreamt of my hair falling out.
Everything's falling apart and I'm perfectly fine. The scariest part was something I wrote last night.....probably known as a suicide letter. I want to share it with you.
"I must begin by addressing the God of my birth, not the god of my mirth. God, I want to believe again, but I can't find you. I've tried so hard to do what I promised but now I'm just cold and I want to come home. These puny scars amount to nothing anyway and I know you will heal me.
"Mommy, I tried, honest I tried to be a good girl and do what you wanted but I'm just not as strong as you are. I tried I TRIED so hard for you but I'm just not as strong as you are. And I'm sorry, I tried to be your good girl. Sean, please take care of Mommy, because I can't anymore, and I'm sorry I wasn't a better big sister to you. Life just became very exhausting very quickly and I got lonely and tired. Promise me you'll take care of Mommy and remind her I wasn't always a cop-out or a letdown.
"Daddy, your little Button didn't do too well, did she? She messed up a bit, couldn't make you proud anymore. I'm really glad we got to grow closer but don't think this is your fault. I'm sorry Daddy, but I have to leave now because I hurt too much and I have to leave now.
"Becky I'm sorry, I tried to be strong for you but I forgot to be strong for myself. Blaine, you and Becky take care of each other. Don't let life make you as bitter as I was. Sean, make them laugh. Just make them laugh for me.
"Kyle, I'm so sorry. I gave in to the demons, instead of converting them to beauty as you always did. There was so much more of me than this; please try to remember me for what I was, not what I became. I could have been great had I taken your advice but I was never strong enough to not care. I know you didn't care for me nearly as much as I cared for you but that someone like you cared at all did more justice to me than I deserved. You are one I confided in, one I could always trust. I could not have continued for as long as I did without you.
"Jess. God, I'm so sorry. I can't explain the tangibility of the pain but I love you so much for the faith you had in me when no one else did.
"Matt, I made everything much more dramatic than it was, but I told you I do follow through. There's so much we could have been, if you had only let me in past the humor to the hurt. You saved me many nights without knowing it.
"I cannot begin to fathom the mess I've made in departing. Just know that's the last one I'll be making. I promise I'll be quiet and meek. I love you all -- se quiero todos.
"I'm sorry. Life was just too heavy. Atlas shrugged and I balked. I'm sorry."
After that, I went to bed. And that leads us to the present day.
Where I'm fine. A little numb, a little frightened that I freaked out so badly and made everything so dramatic.
I could never kill myself. I can't swallow pills, I don't like pain much. I honestly just had a bad night.
Honestly.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006