Beware the ides of March
March 18, 2002 @ 1:54 p.m.
And now I feel as though it'll never stop ending, but I'm caught up in the meldramatics of it all. I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for but I know it's not this painful, melancholic, empty solitude. Isn't there some sort of completion in having your other half appear? I know he's out there, I know I've seen him somewhere in the deepest parts of my reflection.
The heartless bastard that keeps us apart is one I've wronged more deeply than I can ever hope to fix.
I have no explanation for this prolonged separation except that I have wronged some deity somewhere. I cannot fathom what I may have done, as I have always been one wanting to please.
I would be with you tonight, if only you would let me. I would feel small, unappreciated, and I would cry after you left. Maybe even when you were there. More likely not -- how plainly uncomfortable things would be after that. I don't suppose anything would be normal with us after that.
As if it ever was, but still I would offer, and still you would accept, and still you would leave without a question, and still I would perform with tears in my eyes, hoping you would reach for me.
The irony of it all is that I would pull away as soon as you did reach for me, knowing in that moment I would be the only one feeling too much.
I want to destroy all these thoughts that I'm not beautiful enough to be having. What implants of impossible activities that frolick in my mind like windblown leaves! They dart and dance, weaving a spinner's catechism through the dark pages of wanderlust.
Listening to the dry wind whistle a nameless tune, I realize how truly alone I am.
I realize with an impenetrable shudder that it may be that way forever.
That even this pen has abandoned me as a companion.
More pens, you say. Soon ideas will bloom like tulips, and it will be difficult to write them all down. The void will give way to the overflowing, the out-of-body will return to the conscious.
But all I can feel is that empty, which is more gaping than any lasting kiss, any everlasting shot of Jagermeister, could ever fill.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006