he's back.
December 26, 2003 @ 1:17 a.m.
My father called tonight.
He called and said that he wanted to see Sean and I, because he had a Christmas present for us. He called to say it was just money, because he didn't know what we would want. (Why would he know?) He called to say that he would bring it over Sunday. He called to say he would call on Saturday to see if we were going to be home on Sunday. He called to say this was the first time he had had off all day because he was working, and so he had to call and wish us a Merry Christmas.
He called to rub my face in guilt that formed as soon as he opened his mouth. And I shouldn't be upset about it -- I shouldn't give him the time of day -- but he's always been able to pick out my weak spots. He's always gone after me with sweetness and guilt and always tried to belittle Sean. It's not even that I let him. It's just that he's been doing it for so long that he's good at it, much better at it than I am at ignoring it.
Thank the gods that Aaron called soon after that. We laid in his bed and he let me cry on his shoulder, and he just held me and listened to my whispers and just let me hang onto him. He's truly, truly...he's wonderful. I can't even begin to tell you all how easy it is for me to be myself around him, and how much I appreciate everything that he does for me. Just knowing that he's there, and hearing that he would be there Sunday with me because I needed him, is more than I can ever ask for from anyone.
I don't know what will happen on Sunday. I don't know if I will see my father or not. I don't want his money. I don't need it and I don't want it. But if he's truly hell-bent on seeing me, then it will be on my terms. I will control as much of this as possible. I really don't see any other way I can deal with it.
I just need to know that I'm not like him. That I'm not selfish. That I treat people with respect, instead of just using them for whatever I need. I would like to know that I don't resemble him anymore. I would like to know that he doesn't resemble the father I used to know, in the moments between gulps of Black Velvet and Squirt. The moments when he called me Button, and shared his humor with me, the scathing sarcasm I have now.
I'd like to know I've taken away from him just as much as he's taken from me.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006