I am a mess.

we were meant to live for so much more
May 24, 2004 @ 1:00 a.m.

I'm very very tired, but I already tried the bed thing and it's not working out. My eyes won't stay closed.

So I'm sitting here, freezing my ass off because of the chilly strong winds, and trying to think of something to say. Thank you for a boost in confidence. It's good to know that somebody still reads this.

I'm reading Dr. Dean Edell's book, and I'm fascinated by it. He's saying all the things that I've been saying for years -- it's better to be fat and healthy than sick and thin, fat people aren't all lazy asses, etc. etc. -- and it's really made me think of who I am. Granted, I am not in the best of shape. I don't exercise much, but I'm not too out of shape that I can't get up and walk if I need to.

My problem is that I base my self-worth on my weight. That's ridiculous and outdated, and I'm tired of it.

I am a good person, cynical and judging and all. I give good advice. I'm a great conversationalist. I am patient. I am helpful. I listen very well. And on the physical side -- well, there are plenty of good things about me physically. I have good skin; I rarely get acne (excepting during PMS time), and take care to moisturize and lotion up every day so my skin is very soft. My hair is strong and attractive. My tiny feet are pretty damned adorable. My legs are still well-muscled from soccer, and are relatively toned (although frightfully pale!). My smile has purpose and is very cute, and my laugh even cuter. My breasts aren't as firm as I would like them to be, but all fuss put aside, they're not bad.

I have to stop thinking that being fat is the end-all. I like to think it is. I like to portray myself as uglier than I am, less intelligent than I am, so that when men don't pay attention to me I have a definite someone to lay blame upon. It never occurs to me that most "boys" (and they are boys) can't handle all that I am. They find a cute set of tits and think that's what they want. And that might be want they want, for now. But I doubt highly that's what they want to marry.

Of course, this could all be flagrant bullshit that I'm force-feeding myself so that I'll feel better about being alone.

My confidence waxes and wanes, you see.

In another completely different set of events, you all should watch Bam Margera's show, Viva La Bam. It's the funniest shit I've seen in a long time. And that man is hawt. He's got curls, he's got the blue eyes.

...You know I have to post pictures.

I'm done being a squealy little girl now. I'm going to bed.

Feeling: sleepy.

Listening to: Dave Matthews's "Gravedigger" is in my head

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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006