cannot disappoint
December 15, 2003 @ 6:13 p.m.
Okay. So.
I better sell my books tomorrow and get some money in my bank account, because if I don't, I won't be going home until Friday. Because I won't be able to afford going home until Friday. Because I will have overdrawn my account.
It's already overdrawn, it's just that all of my checks haven't cleared yet. Which is a good thing -- it'll give me time to sell those fucking things, hopefully get at least sixty bucks. Please god let me get at least sixty bucks. And I've already begun spending my next paycheck -- credit card payment (which is also completely out of hand), Christmas presents for Natalie, Sean, Becky. My stomach's beginning to churn just thinking about all the money I need and don't have. I suddenly feel very, very nauseated.
I hate money.
Two finals done, the two harder ones and a paper to go. Tomorrow is math, and I am so scared. I know I'm failing the class, and if I'm not, I should be. I don't know math. I don't. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at anything educational anymore.
After math, I'm going to go and sell my books as soon as possible, run to the bank and deposit whatever money I can get from them (cheap bastards at the bookstore, I just know they're going to rip me off...) and then work on that God-blasted paper until my eyes bleed. And then work on it some more. And then study for my art history class, which has 80-plus slides of images that I need to identify.
Please tell me I'm going to make it. Because I don't think I'm going to. Right now I want to quit, I want to quit so badly it oozes through my skin. I feel unimportant and unintelligent and ignored. And I don't know how I'm going to get through Wednesday. I must. But I can't. I just keep thinking that I can't.
And suddenly I'm very long-winded, and wishing it was this easy to write a paper on John Donne. And suddenly I'm very angry, at myself and at nothing else in particular. And suddenly I don't want to do this. I refuse! and then I remember it is out of my hands now, everything seems to be going along quite nicely until I manage to screw it up somehow. I should just leave my life alone.
What if I fail? What if I fail? I never fail. I can't fail. Tonight will be an all-nighter. I've never done one, but that does not mean that it cannot be done. I will do it. I must. I must be good. I must do well. I must. I have to. It is required. I cannot disappoint.
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