my drop-top's in the parking lot
February 28, 2004 @ 9:44 a.m.
Yesterday was just another day, more or less. Class, always class. Discussion and insight and all. I did not take part in it. Instead I wrote in my red notebook about how much I want to be in love, and how being in love must be an awful thing, but a different kind of awful than I feel now.
Between classes I sat on my bed and stared blankly. Or made frequent trips to the computer lab to see if anyone had updated.
No one did.
I managed to corner Steve -- which reminds me, I should update my cast list, hardcore -- and charmed him enough that he invited me down to his room although he had to go to class. I read a draft of his personal essay, and watched him sing along to music, and tell me about the band he was going to see that night in Minneapolis. I watched him toss his emo hair about, and ask me if his jean jacket was sexy, and really I wasn't paying attention; I wanted to fuck the hell out of him.
And instead he went to class and I went back to my room.
After class I came back to Cedar Rapids, where I took a hot shower and called Aaron and told him to make other plans for the nighttime because I was being a giant loner. He proceeded to tell me he wasn't leaving me anytime soon and that if I wanted to hang out even though I wasn't feeling well, he would be more than happy to do so.
I feel like such a burden. Always. It's not even just a "sometimes" thing anymore. I just feel as though, at any moment, I'll become just this boring pale girl who my friends don't want a part of anymore. They'll get sick of me always being down, they'll get sick of having to deal with it. They'll leave. I am shit scared that they'll all just leave. And it's ironic and painful, because the more they say they won't leave, the less I believe it. When they don't say it, I still believe it. I just always believe I'll be left, and so I pull away. You'll see it sometimes, physically -- I'll be laughing with you, joking...then I'll zone out. I'll get quiet.
Emo crap.
So I worked for four mindless hours and then called Aaron, said I changed my mind. We hung out with Chad, played with his cats, then watched a Star Trek movie that I didn't follow and didn't care to. Patrick Stewart, however, kicked my ass so hard I have bruises. That man is amazing.
I went home, passed out and was awakened much too early by my mother asking me for a ride to the airport. She's flying to Seattle for a business trip for a week.
And now I'm having Mountain Dew and cookies for breakfast, because she's not here. And procrastinating doing my homework like mad. And smiling at the thought of tonight's antics which will include Roughriders hockey and afterwards, if I'm lucky, lots of beer.
Feeling: Dewed.
Listening to: 112's "Dance with Me"
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006