another drunken entry
May 08, 2004 @ 1:42 a.m.
Another night of this "alone" bullshit I'm lonely and pissed as all hell. I don't have near enough alcohol to get as drunk as I'd like -- just a little left in Jack Daniels and that's it. Granted, it's freezing cold Jack Daniels, a result of being in my fridge for three days, so it tastes better and I can drink it faster. But still not enough. Never enough.
So my quasi-friends (that also won't buy me alcohol, the sliverfucks) have been ignoring me lately for the most part, probably because they've found someone better to play with. And all it does is lead me to having a lot of resentment towards them, when really I should just give it all up anyway. This summer is promising to be a lonely one, I can already feel it. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em all. I'll go back, I'll go backwards, I'll take up cutting again, I never threw away the razor, it's still right next to my bed.
...Well. That was a fun little excursion back into adolescence.
I'm still worried about money because there are so many things that I see and think I want, I want and it scares me because that materialistic side of me was never there before.
And yet spending all of this money, I still don't have any fucking fun. All I can do is be emo and sit here and write in my journal at 1 a.m. about how much my life sucks. Ugh.
I'm out of alcohol already and I'm not even buzzing. And yes, I drink to get drunk, as everyone else I'm related to does (at least on the Roedema side), so surely I must be an alcoholic -- even if I drink about twice a month, if that, and have never been so drunk as to pass out or to forget what I've done.
(god i'm so lonely)
Oh good, good. I'm starting to feel it now. Perhaps I'll have enough, just enough, that the words blur.
Such a chance I have, becoming an alcoholic. Such a glorious Roedema tradition. Destined for every Roedema, you know. My father and his three siblings -- all raging drunks. Their parents? Drunks. A long and glorious history, and all of you will argue that I'm on my way. I'm on my way, so I should refrain from drinking, just as I should refrain from smoking and cutting and being fat. Just as I should refain from all of this, just because it's bad, because I have a history of it.
Fuck history. My toes feel funny. Good. I'm getting drunk.
I miss Aaron. I can't put that into words enough how much I miss him. He just doesn't seem interested anymore, and I suppose I can't blame him, really. But he was just my favorite, you see. He made me happy. There are specific things I miss about him that were quite uniquely him and I'm just so afraid that that's gone now. And it wasn't just an abrupt thing, a "no more" and that was it.
It was as though we pushed each other away at the same time as we truly needed the other person there the most. We were too much like a couple, and that was the problem. There were clearly defined rules that I never bothered to follow and that is why I suffer now. Things just became too fucking complicated, that whole friends with benefits thing. It would have been better if we could have decided either friends or fuck buddies -- for sure no dating, how silly, how fucking formal -- I just think we got on as friends far too well and that made everything harder. It would have been easier had we nothing in common but a need to orgasm. It would have been easier then.
Now...now I don't know what it is. And I'm training myself not to care.
Mmm-hmm. I'm drunk now. Good. It feels good. Comforting. I understand.
I just don't get it. I don't, I don't. I've tried painting my nails, wearing makeup, thrusting my breasts out in front of male company. And nobody fucking cares. Do you know what that does to a girl? Knowing that she couldn't get any, even if she tried? Knowing that no one loves her, and no one ever will? Knowing that she's just an ugly fuck, a fucking maggot, so ugly ugly ugly fat disgusting horrifyingly ugly, and knowing that no one will love her, no matter how much she tries? She will never be good enough, never never never never good enough EVER
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006