everybody knows.
February 15, 2004 @ 1:28 a.m.
Anyone who knows me well knows that I listen to music according to my mood. My mood is the basis for the music that I listen to -- Bright Eyes for when I'm feeling desperate, Dashboard when I'm feeling emo, Nirvana when I want to break something (or myself).
I've been listening to and reading a shitload of Leonard Cohen lately. I'm pretty sure this is bad news, kids. Leonard Cohen isn't happy stuff.
(I can't forget
I can't forget
but I don't remember who.)
And it's actually not that I'm incredibly sad or melancholic or such. I just have felt the intense need to cry, especially in the past twelve hours or so. I haven't much to cry about, necessarily...mostly just held-back feelings and sadness for feeling the way that I am. I keep hearing that I don't have to change, that I am liked for being the sarcastic sardonic son-of-a-bitch that I am. But if that's the case, then why am I alone?
Ugh, I'm so tired of talking about this subject but it's stuck in me like gum in a keylock. Very messy -- not going anywhere anytime soon -- and I'm sorry that you have to get the brunt of it, my dear readers, but I'm afraid you just must. I don't understand it! I don't understand how all of these people are getting together and I'm not able to find anyone. ANYONE. I'm not approachable, sure, and I'm not friendly and I'm not nice and I'm not kind and I do tend to speak my mind, whatever is in it, and I don't tend to sit with my hands folded in my lap, but I do have redeeming qualities at times, I know I must. I know it. So why does no one want me? Why am I not approached, why am I ignored, why is it that no one is looking at my breasts and my lips and thinking, "Maybe, maybe"?
If this lasts much longer, if this feeling like I don't matter lasts much longer, I WILL do something about it. No one's ever happy but I'm afraid my existence is quite dependent upon this.
I do not want to live if I am not wanted and I DO NOT feel wanted. Perhaps it's sad that my existence depends on others, perhaps that is weak, but it is true. I just need a little attention -- I'm not asking for much here. I want someone to hold me, why doesn't anyone ever feel the need to hold me, to hug me, to comfort me? I do so much comforting. Why would it hurt to comfort me? The ones with the sharpest tongues are the ones with the biggest scars, after all. I feel desperate, I feel desperate, but I cannot help but feel desperate. I'm trying, I'm trying so HARD to love myself, and be what I am supposed to be but I cannot be what you want! I CANNOT BE IT! Can't you tell me how to be it so I could, then? So I could satisfy you then, fit in the molds and be quiet then? Because I want to be quiet. I want to be quiet. I want it all to be quiet for now. I swear to the gods I'll be quiet if you just shut my mouth for me.
I want to end it. / I want it to end. / I'm not sure of the grammar of that sentence anymore. / And it's toxic to keep these tears in, but they're not moving tonight. / And my breasts are getting sore from noplay / and my sweet is growing sour. / And I've forgotten everything. / Everything, but you.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006