everything on loan
May 11, 2004 @ 11:43 p.m.
Whoo!@ So i'm durnk again, not extermely, just enough so that my words and hands dont' qyit e move the same as they shoudl.
becky was here tonight, and it was an absolutely fabulous night. we watched "the rundown", and we darnk (opf course), and before that we went ot bennigan's and talked about how much we just can't pull ourselves away from certain people, even though we should, even thoug hwe know better.
and why should.n;'t Ibe drunk? Why shouldn't I be able to speak my mind, even though when I'm drunk it always seemes to get me into trouble, in one way or another? I jst, I just......I'm so goddamned lonely. andc you cna't understand it, unless you're lonelyh in the nights ,like I am. Whjich is possible, but unlikely. because i've never felt so lonely.........even when i'm with someone, I'm lonely. And that doesna't make sense. I just.....I can't. I can't. I don't know what I am doing anymore, it all seems pointless and stupid, but mostly pointless.
It's been such a long itme since I've seen Mad G./The W. F. I'm listneing to them now, and I'd forgotten the songs, how poetic they were. How muc hthey meant, both because i nkew the guys and because they just feel personal.
I dont'; know what I'm babbling about, but I' mgoign to keep babbling, because I can'tstop. I can't be alone tonight. I never want to be alone again, but that can hardly be helped, now can it?
(Building up my tolerance, just like you told me to.)
please, please. please don't make me go through this again. i can't help but recognize his voice as something to hold onto. god, god. this feels a little like it used to....a little like when I started this journal. a little like i'm suffering like i used to, which was pretty goddamned bad for a while, over a boy who was never worth it.
the faces have changed but not necessarily the situation. ...i'm so much better at metaphors and hyperbole when i'm sober, i tell you.
maybe i'm just neglefcting everythign that I should have kept in mind for far longer than I didw.
...Does anyone else think thaT Adam Pascal is the most amazing voice to hit broadway, perhaps ever?
I'm babbling. It's okyay. i'm allowed. this is my diary after all, goddamnit.
i miss fort wayne. oh god how I miss it. it feels like a dream now, like i dreamed all of it, like it was so very long ago. it WAS so very long ago. three years ago, very long time. I was 18 then, a teenager, quite naive. i almost sucked a boy's dick there.
almost, almost. always almost. nobody cares about almost.
i don't remember what it's like to be happy.
I'm going to play wioth fire, if you haven't counted my preveious experiences, i wiill eventually., and i never get what i want. that is a gauranteed in my life.
i vow to you i'll make a foolk of myself at my birthday party. although i'm also vowing now that i'm not having a birthday party, so that i can't make a fool of myself while there.
it doesn't matter. i'll sleep alone no matter hwat I do.
beiung drunk is so comforting. I understand it, even the stumbling. I am just like my father -- what right do I have to criticize him? I am him.
"someday you will ache like I ache."
it's okay to feel ashamed if you know me. I'm ashamed. every day i am ashamed. shhh. don't speak, my sweet. I understand. I understand far better than I can communicate at the moment.
Mmmm. Ice cream that I can barelyt eat.
Beer #7. I've stopped caring that I'm a lightweight. it doesn't mean a thing to me. maybe I'll get better at it, someday.
i'm just not desirable, you fucks. you have no idea what it's like. because even those of you that think you aren't desired.........you are. you are. you don't udnerstand. yo ucould never understand what it's like not to be kissd, what it's liek not to be cared about, not top be loved, because you have never felt it. you bastards. if you only knew how lucky you have been, to be loved. you would quit complaining, then.
dammit, I'm sobering up.
I am just.... I am an awful daughter. I have abandoned him. I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry for being so awful to you. I promise, maybe I'll get better. I promise that I'll get better, it'll get better. I want to please you. I wnat to make it okay between uis, so yo udon't hate me anymore, so you stop yelling, so you stop crying.
I can't stand it when yo ucry.
"...just when I was low, feeling short of stable."
I promise one day I wont' be an embarrassment to you. I'll be pretty, I'll lose weight, I'll make money, I'll smile more. I'll find someone to love me. I promise you one day I won't be ugly. I promise you one day you won't; be ashamed. please don't be ashamed. please. please.
Please don't make me apologize again. I'm already sorry enough for everything I didn't do for you. I aws a horrible daughter. I should have stayed longer, perhaps held yo uwhe nyou cried tears in front of me, instad of running away. I should have been trusting, believing. I should have trusted boys to take care of me insteaed of believing that they'd all turn out like you, Daddy. maybe I'd be loved, then.
I can't let go.
"I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time"
I just can't stand to be an embarrassment anymore, an embarrassment, a dependent, someone who you can count on to be sad, to be drunker than you, to be sarcastic, and someone who is dying inside. I don't want to die inside anymore. I want to be happy now.
it's so silly how fast I can go from content to absol.tuely wrecked. it's not like it matters, anyway. it'll be a small funeral.
I want a hangover. I deserve it.
I WISH I WASN'T SO FUCKING EMO
emo's overrated, anyway.
I don't know. I feel as though I should get cancer, just because I deserve it, just because eventually this alcoholism with catch up with me, just because i'm trying to cathc up with everyone else.
God, I hate the taste of beer.
I hate the taste of sadness much more.
You all are going ot read this and think I'm just an idiot. Let me assure you, I am. I'm a complete idiot. Quit reading right now. you should have quit reading long ago. It's possible I'm not worth a mess of your time, and it's opssible that I'll be here forever. Here in this town, in this bipolarity, because it's so popular, everyone's getting help nowadays. Too bad it's being spent on the people who need it.
Jesus, shut up, Kelly.
"Death is no dream, for in death I'm caressing you.....with the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you"
I forget everything, after a while. maybe even i'll be able to forget all this.
"It doesn't hurt, it's more like being thirsty."
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006