Far from the truth
August 04, 2002 @ 12:27 a.m.
Becky is a dear. Becky and Blaine and everyone else who knew about the surprise birthday party thrown for me tonight is an absolute dear.
Unfortunately, Matt being an asshole evened everything out.
I don't understand him, I don't fucking understand him. He asks Becky and Blaine to move the party from Thursday night, when it's originally scheduled and when everyone can come (everyone being Sean, Carlos, and Gary and Carol), to Saturday night, so that he can come, because I'm "such a good friend."
And then he spends the whole night looking down Robin's shirt. The bastard. The fucking bastard.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me explain what happened, exactly.
I, being the dumbass that I am, didn't pick up on the not-so-random clues Becky was spouting about how I should freshen up my makeup and change from jeans to khakis. I was told that tonight we were meeting Gary for pizza, so there was no reason for me to get all dressed up for Gary. He's a nice man and all, but really, not my type.
Anyway. So we headed out to Pizzeria Uno, me being clueless, Becky and I singing along to Hoobastank and other shitty Fort Wayne radio. As we parked and were getting out of the car, I spotted the X 102.3 van and commented but didn't really think anything of it; the supposed remote that Matt had to be at was kitty-corner from the restaurant and me being my dumb self just figured that he had parked it there.
We walked inside and Becky spotted "them", so we headed for the table. She turned towards me, grinned, and said, "I'm the biggest liar. Surprise" or something to that effect. It's kind of blurry now; I don't recall much of that. I remember seeing Robin (what the fuck is she doing here? She's supposed to be in Kentucky), then Matt (what the fuck is he doing here? He's supposed to be at Broadripple Place) and then Blaine.
It didn't sink in until I plopped down in a chair next to Matt. "I. am. A dumbass" was all that kept going through my mind. I ran to the bathroom as soon as I could, frantically fixing my hair and checking my teeth and doing whatever else I could to make me look a bit more decent.
I shouldn't have bothered. Matt spent the entire night with his eyes on Robin's chest. He listened to her intently, asked for her number, offered to buy her alcohol, eventually asked her out. Kept watching her breasts, watching her laugh, watching, just watching.
I don't have a tic, but I had one tonight. I couldn't keep still, couldn't look at him, couldn't eat. I couldn't do anything but sit there and fidget. Becky noticed, Robin noticed, and I'm sure that Blaine noticed too.
Matt hadn't a clue.
It was better than crying, my fidgeting, but even then I feel like I'm out of control. I took a hit off of my inhaler to make my muscles contract and relax fast, otherwise known as making me shake. Steroids will do that to me most nights, but tonight it was Matt that I was trembling for. I couldn't stop shaking; excused myself to the bathroom three times because I thought I was going to vomit or cry, or perhaps both.
Servers came out and screamed their version of the Happy Birthday song in my ear, and everyone grinned and Matt laughed. I sat and chewed on my straw with a ferocity I didn't know my teeth had, eyes staring at the cheesecake I didn't want.
It's not that I didn't enjoy myself. I did. And I wanted to see Matt, and I got exactly what I had asked for, so in that respect, it was my fault. Blaine and Robin both apologized for Matt's behavior but I don't think it was their fault in the least. I can't express my surprise and delight enough at the way Becky and Blaine had to plan all of this. I am not lying when I say this is the best birthday I think I've ever had.
But I asked for Matt, and Matt I got. That's just how he is, is all. I got what I wanted.
So finally the dinner was over, and as we were walking out the door Matt patted me on the back and said, "Good seeing you again, kid." Again with the kid. I smiled faintly; I was beyond caring.
Robin and I walked out to her car (I can get from Pizzeria Uno to the apartment, no problem. She can't) about halfway and skipped a bit, until Matt called "Do I get to skip with you?" We let him; I let go halfway. They skipped the rest of the way to her car.
I climbed in, fighting back tears. Robin could tell, Robin can always tell. She felt awful. Are you okay? I'm fine, Robin, I'm fine. See?
Showed her my face. I hide my face when I'm upset; she knew better. Everyone knew better. Everyone except the one person who should have known better but didn't.
And then -- this is the best part -- he had the gall to shout across the parking lot from the van my name, which drives me all sorts of crazy. I didn't hear him or pretended not to; Robin drove over and shouted What?
He motioned for me to come to him.
So I did. I unbuckled myself and opened the car door and slowly made my way over to him.
And he hugged me. The motherfucker hugged me. "Be good, kid."
I shrugged, said something like "Yeah", went back to the car. Raised my hand in silent salute to his as we roared past.
Back at the apartment, Blaine apologized about five times and Robin about three. Apparently Blaine was going to call Matt's cell phone and give him a piece of his mind. Becky told him it wasn't worth it, and I think she's right. The key here is that Matt doesn't know. He doesn't know I like him, he doesn't know anything. He just doesn't fucking know.
We sat and watched video of Sean until I was in a decent mood again, then Robin left and while Blaine slept, Becky and I discussed the night. She wanted to ask him to leave; I wouldn't have minded.
I'm still very much in shock how I'm "supposed" to react to this. I know I should be angry, and offended, and...whatever, but instead I'm just numb. I keep telling myself he doesn't understand because he doesn't know. I keep defending him, and I don't know why.
I sit here, wondering how to feel. Wishing someone would tell me how to feel. I don't feel anything right now...it's such a blur in my mind I'm beginning to wonder if it ever really happened. The most tangible thought are those eyes of his, which changed colors more than once tonight and which ignored me most of the time.
Even that, though, really doesn't register in my mind. Yeah, his eyes. So what. You leave tomorrow, stupid, and you don't have to think about it after that. You'll be four hundred miles away from Mr. Matthew and it'll not make a spot of difference.
We all know how far that is from the truth.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006