Hiatus
January 13, 2003 @ 1:23 p.m.
Over this hiatus, I have had two great relationships threatened by the other's own selfish, petty, kamikaze moves and by my chronic lack of asking about why.
I have had one relationship strengthened with smiles and common words. I am not quick to trust, a fault of no one's but my own. But I am learning, because I ruin too much and this is one person who does not deserve ruining.
There is someone I love very much, or did, but had not thought of in quite an amazing while until last night. How listening to a Dashboard Confessional song can bring back images I could have lived without. Oh how I feel that feeling for that place again! (I thought it had died...)
And then someone I had not talked to but heard from, in a way, on Saturday. Her handwriting is comforting and I do not fear her but rather my comparison of myself to her. A model of strength, strength that I crave for myself.
During break I had not thought of the old boys much, and vowed I would forget the new ones. Like clockwork the old ones return. They haunt me with uncertainty. They are gray sunspots in my mind. And they mean all sorts of harm.
The new ones are not harmful quite yet but the wasps circle. And I am tired because it is different but also frightfully the same. The day I'm wishing for clear blue sky...and it's smoggy. The smoke curls up like breakers in the sea, coming, coming.
How is it that my brother may have insomnia, and not only is this a "real" disease but one that he grows excited about and one my mother is so willing to treat? I feel because I've been depressed for so long that they fail to see it's a disease, it's my disease. So the insomnia's real, tangible, may have parts and symptoms and medication.
What about these faint scars on my right forearm and on the insides of both my ankles? Does no one care enough to push up my sleeves and find out the truth? Are these not real? These are not tangible, or crave medication? Are these in my head as well?
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006