you are hungry. i am starving.
April 16, 2006 @ 12:28 a.m.
I really don't know what's up with this place anymore. But I haven't updated in ages because I haven't been around in ages. I've been in Spain, I've been in Germany.
I miss it.
I've been at Yellow Book.
I don't miss that so much. I do what I need to do, I hate the office politics, I'd really like to get to know everyone better, but I think that just comes with time. And I don't know how much time I want to spend there. It's a nice enough job, but it's a fucking cubicle, and as much as I love listening to music all the time, all during the day, can I spend the rest of my life in a cubicle?
I don't know.
And I've been away, having experiences and spending time with Kenzie, who's such a sweet little girl, and Becky, and other things, and other people, and Nick.
Things have been so complicated and so busy and now maybe they'll calm down, maybe not. Maybe I'll have to grow up now, which isn't so reassuring. I'm not really doing well with responsibility lately.
I want to help people, and animals, and things. I want to make a difference, if only for a while.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm lonely, I'm fat, I don't know how to help either of that, but I know they're dependent upon one another. I'm just lonely and I'm lazy and I don't know how to make up for the fact that I'm not good enough for anyone.
Well, maybe someone. But I have standards. And they're probably too high, I admit. It's all in what you can get. And I'm afraid I can't get anyone with all their teeth.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid and I'm staring twenty-three in the face and I'm thinking what the fuck I could have done differently with my life that could have changed all of this. That could have changed my loneliness.
I'm not convinced being lonely has anything to do with having a relationship, but I'm so tired of not being loved that I will give anything a try.
Maybe.
No I won't. I still have standards. I wish I didn't, because they're so hindering, but I still do.
...I wouldn't, if someone would just love me.
LOVE ME
LOVE ME
SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME
Ugh. I've even sunken so low as to quote horrible songs to make myself feel better. It's not working.
It never will.
I just really am afraid that I'm going to be that woman with all the cats. That woman who is 70 years old and still a virgin, not by choice, but just because she's so horrible and awful and ugly and painfully hideous, both inside and outside, to anyone who looks at her.
I'm craving attention. I'm craving it. I can't stand not having it.
I'm LONELY.
"I am hungry for love. You are starving."
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006