Nobody ever lies about being lonely
February 28, 2006 @ 10:04 p.m.
I'm still sad. But I think I've narrowed it down. I still miss Aaron. Still. STILL.
But I don't think it's the person, per se. I think it's more along the lines of male companionship, of having that someone who would care for you and give you hugs and be there for you in a way that comforts me, that no female has ever been able to comfort me in that way.
I think it's more that I'm just lonely, and I feel pathetic when I try to communicate with Michael, and with my other guy friends. (Namely...nobody. 'Cause Nick doesn't really count. Not yet, anyway. And it's different anyway, because he's more like my brother, not like...a friend. Hmm. Complicated.)
I'm sure things will all be okay after a while, after I forget again what it's like to be alone, what it's like to be the ONLY VIRGIN ON THE PLANET THAT IS MY AGE.
And...really, it's not just the fact that I'm a virgin, although that's certainly bothersome. It's the fact that I've never really had any companionship. It would be different if I had had boyfriends and for one reason or another just...didn't have sex with them. But this...this is something completely different. This is not even having the opportunity to keep it or lose it in the first place. I just don't have the opportunity to find out about...anything. About how I work in a relationship, about...anything. Because I'm just...alone. Always.
And it's starting to affect my work. I notice there are times when I'm not particularly busy...my mind immediately floats to that.
People say they understand. They don't. They don't understand.
You don't understand. You don't fucking understand.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
And I can't explain it. I can't explain the loneliness. Sure, everybody's lonely.
But all the time?
(Maybe.)
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006