A Question of Loyalty
October 04, 2002 @ 11:26 a.m.
Why are so many of my relationships with people awkward, fleeting, tea party friendships, ones where giggles and uneasy smiles speak miles when they should be mute? I find myself looking more and more towards the past, where relationships never seemed so complicated.
And even my closest friends seem like the friends I yearn for, not the ones that I have. It's that I must constantly be in contact with these people because the bonds are so weak. Breakage could occur any day at any time and for me not to be around for damage control is fatal.
You see, I am that uncertain about my ability to retain a person's attention, but who can blame me? My critically low self-esteem coupled with people's short attention spans leads me to neuroses that quite often are unfounded.
Of course, it has happened several times already in my mind. Matt. Kyle. Those two especially. But if you know me well enough, you know I've probably pushed you away before. I've always done that; a knee jerk reaction to my own shortcomings.
I push people away because I'm afraid they'll hurt me, yet I'm hurt because people don't wrap me up completely in their loyalty. That paradox causes more damage in my mind than much of anything else. And it's wholly unavoidable.
You see, it's a test for me. Would you stay, even if I wasn't always agreeable? I'm not an easy person to love, and loving isn't easy for me. It's quite a question of loyalty in my mind, and I'll push it quite far. I've lost or broken so many that way. And I'm afraid of it, but I can't stop it.
Kyle left me for a while this way. Matt has become uninterested, so nonchalant.
And there are many who roll their eyes, throw it down, and scream "fuck it!" as they stalk away.
I try to blame them, but I can't, not really. Who can?
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006