My weekend and some meaty goodness
November 25, 2002 @ 8:51 a.m.
I want to collectively hug all my Diaryland pals.
...*hug*
Now that my weekend of solitude is over, I'm wishing for it again. It wasn't really lovely, just different from the runnings-around of normal.
Robin called Saturday night and I fought off the loneliness in my voice that she detected immediately. She told me about seeing Matt at Piere's and I tried to pretend I didn't care. (How could I not care about breathing?) She said he ignored her, which she found funny and which I found puzzling.
I spoke a bit, mostly listened. That's how it is with Robin, but really that's how it is with a lot of people. I wanted to tell her how much I am afraid to call Matt, but she would have laughed and called me silly. I think I am afraid, honestly. I keep saying next weekend, or when I get money to buy a phone card, or that it's too late, it's too early. But I'm just afraid.
I'm afraid he'll be busy. I'm afraid he'll be disinterested. I'm afraid he'll be polite. I'm afraid he'll pick up. I'm afraid of being giggly (like I always am). I'm afraid of being me, in general.
I am so afraid to hear his voice. (I listen to my own Fort Wayne mixtapes and his voice sends voltage scooting underneath my skin.) And I'm afraid I'd have nothing to say, or too much. I'm horrified at how opportunistic this could be.
And I haven't been this restless in quite a while. I think I hallucinated my way through the weekend, although I slept enough to ignore that, mostly. I listened to enough Radiohead, too, to drive myself back sane for the week. And my three new ear piercings keep me awake at night but don't make me feel any different.
I wish I felt different.
And so this morning I'm cranky because I know what this week will bring: fake smiles, self-disgust, lack of sleep, lots of staring. And Thanksgiving with my little family, and feeling not good enough for what I have.
I'm also talking to Kyle. I referred him to Bobby's site because there's much in their writing that I care for. I love both these boys, you see. Kyle's also bragging about himself. But that's okay, he has much to brag about. I would brag if I were him.
Oh, and please. Nobody ask him about his meaty goodness.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006