talkin' 'bout a revolution
February 18, 2004 @ 3:52 p.m.
She talked about her ease in separating love and sex, and suddenly I realized how easy it is for most people. Most everyone I know can do that. Most everyone except me.
My friends do it -- some more than others, but all have, I've seen it, or heard about it, and tried to smile and nod and understand it.
I don't understand it. I don't. And it's probably because I'm a virgin, and I have been taught to the point of pain that sex is an act of love. And as much as I would love to get that out of my head (it would make this incredible want to have sex so much easier, after all), I cannot. And yes, it's probably my virginity. Once I peel this horrendous thing off, perhaps I'll be able to manage and fathom and do this sex without love thing.
...I don't understand what I have to do to give my virginity away. It's a struggle, it's an everyday struggle, carrying this around with me now. It's frustrating that nothing is changing, that nothing will ever change, ever. Things aren't changing and they won't. It's not that I don't have the motivation to change them -- it's that even if I tried to, it wouldn't matter. I'm not big enough to change things. And that's so passive of me, to sit back and say "Well, that's just the way that things are" and watch them happen and be miserable. But when have I ever been anything but passive and agreeable (but grumbling)?
I feel neglected. And I've been typing since 3:52 and it's now 5:06 and I still haven't accomplished saying much of anything. I keep getting distracted by my Launch Yahoo radio (playing A.F.I.'s "Silver and Cold" at the moment), and by renewal FAFSAs, and this good news. Oh. And. Deciding where I want to live next year.
Yes yes. My mother has now informed me that if I wanted to live at home next year and commute to school, I would be more than welcome to do so. This is quite a large decision -- and it must be made by March 5th, because I have a $200 non-refundable down payment to put down on my dorm room next year.
I would love to live at home for many reasons: I wouldn't have to pay rent or for food, I like it here much more than I like UNI, there is a computer here I can use any time I want to, the majority of my friends are down here, and I could keep my job at the library (or not). But this would also mean commuting a probable five days a week (which is actually more commuting than I do now, most weeks) and hiking it to class and back home before work. (But no night commuting, which I see as a definite plus -- deer and possums and skunks and all.)
Either way, I would probably be just as busy as I am now. Either way, I would have my own room done the way that I want it. Up there I would have more freedom from my mother -- but I figure if shit gets too bad, I can always go bother Becky for a night. Unfortunately, I can't go bother Aaron for a night or else I have to go get my own apartment. That's one of my mother's wonky conditions on me staying here, which I don't understand but accept in lieu of anything worse. It could be much much worse.
My mother and I also talked about my future last night, when I was feeling desperate and near tears about everything and needed her to listen and give me her motherly advice. She understands that I don't know what I should do with myself yet. I told her perhaps after I'm done with my bachelor's in English that I would want to go back to school for either my Master's in library science or for my two-year degree to become a paralegal. From what I've heard, they make good money, and if I'm not sure what I want to do with myself, I might as well be deciding while I'm making a shitload of money. I found on one website that new paralegals make, starting wage, $32,000. I could do that. Otherwise, what about a court reporter? I could do that as well. I don't know. I don't know! ...Anyway.
Besides the job thing, my mother also suggested that I take the money that I'm supposed to get after college (if the stock market keeps climbing, I think it'll be somewhere in the range of $10-15K) and put half towards my school loans and use the other half to travel. I orgasmed loudly when she said that. Do you realize what this means? This means England. This means Ireland. This means Wales. This means (maybe) Costa Rica. All of the places that I've always wanted to go for as long as I can remember.
Okay. I probably have more to say. But I've been doing this for two and a half hours now, and frankly, I can't do it anymore. I'm going to do some mindless downloading. Later.
Feeling: sleepy.
Listening to: my ma talk to the pets.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006