everybody wants a box of chocolates and a long-stemmed rose
March 04, 2004 @ 2:30 p.m.
All right. I'm supposed to open myself up, tell you how I really feel. Well, here goes.
First of all, I never thought that you couldn't understand. I just figured that it was easier if I never said anything about it all, just let everything pass over. Isn't that what people want, is to forget about conflict, remember the good times? There's so much shit we have to put up with in our daily lives, Aaron -- I don't want you to be another source of it, ever. And I don't want to be a source of it for you.
I've rather run the gamut of feelings after the whole thing that you wrote about, and although it's been quite a long time, I still think about it. I've been angry, I've been horrified, I've been embarrassed and felt betrayed and confused. You say I'm making a big deal out of it, and maybe I am. But that's only because it's a big deal to me. It's given me permission for paranoia, and with me, that's never a good thing. I question myself now -- I always did, but it's worse now. I constantly wonder what you're thinking now. I'm constantly thinking of how I can make myself smaller (in many senses of the word) so that I don't take up too much space, so that I'm more agreeable to what you're looking for.
And I have to stop that. Because physically or otherwise, I'm not changing anytime soon. I might not be the best friend that you want, but I'm the best friend that you've got. And no, I'm not great looking. I know that. Some days, I even accept the way things are going to be because of it.
But you don't have a choice. You have to accept all of me or none of it. That's how it works. It would be different if we were dating, and I would understand if you didn't like the way that I looked then. But we're not. You've made it clear your feelings on that. So you're stuck with me being your best friend, and that means accepting me. And I'm afraid it means more coddling and acceptance and reassurance than normally comes with a friend. Because, and I know you know this by now, I am afraid, and naive, and pretty fucked up. I am working on it, but there's a lot of work to be done. I won't ask you to be part of the help, not ever. But realize it's just all of the shit that comes with me, and if you accept me, you accept it too.
As far as the dream with my father goes that you were so curious about, I know exactly what was meant by it. I was equating you with my father. You're not like him, I'm not saying you are. All it meant was that you've both hurt me. That's all it was. But I knew you'd get upset if I said that, because you know how I feel about my father, and you know what? I don't want to get you upset. I don't like to see you upset; I like to see you smiling and giggling (because you do. Admit it).
That's all this non-talk has been about. I'm so self-conscious about it, but so afraid to upset you in talking about it. I don't know why I would assume you would be upset by it in the first place. You probably wouldn't be, and it'd be me that would feel stupid for overreacting. But like I said, I don't see it as an overreaction because it hurt. And I don't get over things easily when they wound that deeply. That's just how it goes.
And that's all. That's all I have.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006