Sanctuary
February 26, 2003 @ 9:53 a.m.
Other than the typical "because you should" arguments, I can find no reason to go to either one of my remaining classes today.
I can't function. I can barely sit here without weeping. I think I might be sad. But if that's the case then I've been sad for over a month now.
I was afraid that the emergency room doctor would see my cutting scars when he took my blood pressure, and that scared me even more then having needles stuck into me.
Because that means he would have known, and others. My mother. I would have failed (once again, like always, right Mom?) and that's just not acceptable.
this is my darkest hour
and i think you have abandoned me.
So he is better, better! How could he be better? I have tried for you, I have cowered in corners and stayed awake nights and done dishes and been quiet, and it's all been for you and it isn't good enough!
It's as though none of you understand that I would linger on hot coals for you until they burned through. I would give myself, I would, in a minute.
Almost as though it would have been better had I been in the hospital now, not for pity, but because then I would be out of your eyesight for a moment and you could get back to your life without me. Wouldn't that be easier for you?
So I bang my head against the wall and it would be nice for you to notice, but you're too busy doing your nails.
Someone told me it would be like this.
I feel the need to enter a church.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006