skinny people suck.
January 16, 2004 @ 9:56 a.m.
Okay. So. This is my new favorite way to waste time: updating my online journal in the library when I should be doing my readings for class. There's something oddly satisfying about procrastination that I feel I should have discovered before my junior year in college.
I am exhausted beyond measure. I got back to Cedar Falls relatively early last night but was kept up late by the need to shave my insanely hairy legs (which are now nice and smooth) and a roommate who decided popcorn at one a.m. would be appropriate. Then sex dreams -- of which there was no actual sex going on, just the insane physical and mental need to orgasm through any means necessary -- were disruptive.
Nowadays I keep battling with my self-worth. I think "if only there were more time, I would exercise, I would lift weights, I would feel good about myself then."
I don't really believe that.
I'm much too lazy to do anything about my fatness. I'd rather just wallow and feel bad about myself -- it saves me any real energy I may need to expend.
I thought for a while I was losing weight, and perhaps I was. It doesn't feel like it anymore, and I don't feel good about myself. And it's not even that I'm fat. Perhaps I could deal with that (perhaps -- it's unlikely, but perhaps) if I knew I was healthy. But I'm not healthy. I breathe hard when I walk fast. Flights of stairs give me aneurysms. Carrying a bookbag up flights of stairs is some sort of weird college torture that is carried out, I'm convinced of it. Becky and I have planned to do yoga, perhaps now and perhaps over the summer, but I'm relatively sure that won't help me shed weight. Be more flexible, yes, but not lose weight.
Skinny people of the world, I hate you.
I think that's why I'm so lackadaisical, though. (Word of the day, kids.) I've just got too much weight to haul around -- I can never be hyper and bouncy for more than ten minutes because that's a frickin lot. of energy.
Today, though, energy is not to be had. I am settling for being conscious.
Feeling: incredibly tired.
Listening to: Hole's "Awful" is in my head
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006