smile, dammit!
December 04, 2003 @ 10:25 a.m.
Last night was wonderful. After a mindless night at work, I picked Aaron up and we met Becky and TJ at Bennigan's. It was a pretty good time, until TJ managed to spill Diet Pepsi all over my khakis. They're now nice and stained, so that's good. Or not.
On the way back to Aaron's place, I got really sad, and I think he could tell. He invited me up to his apartment for a while, although he had plans at midnight, and up we went. And we sat there, and he held me, and held me tight until it was okay for me to let go again. And he said that he wasn't going to go away, not even if I tried to make him. And that was what I needed to hear. Because there's nothing like being a pity case, nothing like it. I don't want to be a pity case.
And my head got quiet, and I stopped asking questions, and I was able to smile and laugh again. And I left and I was okay. And I'm still okay today. Tired, and achy, but I can smile today.
It's hard for me to accept that I'm not a pity case, especially one of Aaron's. I know he's a nice guy, and does nice things for people, and parts of me wonder on occasion why exactly he's wasting his time with me. It's not that he makes me feel that way -- I feel better when I'm around him -- it's the time alone that makes me question. But I question everything. I question why I have friends at all. I don't feel worthy of my friends.
I'm rambling. And I'm supposed to be doing research at the library. And I'm not. And it rocks so hardcore. And I'm going to eat lunch now, and try not to be all idiotic.
Smile, dammit.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006