forgiveness? someday.
September 23, 2003 @ 3:51 p.m.
I saw my father, in a way, today. I was driving on the interstate, and I was heading south, and he was heading north. I knew it was him as soon as I saw the car -- there aren't many tan 1983 Skylarks out on the road. I saw him pass, and was deluged with feelings.
I want to see him. I want to see him and smile and laugh again with him. I want to see him so that I can hit him across the face with a resounding slap. I just want to see.
Bridget (my roommate) says I should forgive him -- that I need to forgive him in order to move on with my life. My friend Anne disagrees with Bridget. She says that perhaps I just need to accept that it happened. And it sucked. And now it's over.
I think there is some forgiving to do. Whether it is forgiving him, forgiving the situation or even forgiving myself, I'm not sure. I just know he's affecting my life every day that I live it. And that's maddening.
I told Anne it will probably be a lot easier to forgive the whole thing after my father is dead, and I truly believe that. Trouble is, he's been dying for twelve years now. He just can't make up his mind that it's time. And, frankly, nobody likes the undead walking around.
...That was my lame attempt at humor. Yes. So.
I just wonder if he ever wonders what he's missed. He doesn't know anything about me. For Chrissakes, he thinks I'm in Indiana right now because I never told him I was going to UNI. He doesn't get to see my hair growing, my long eyelashes, my smile. He doesn't hear my laugh or my witticisms. He doesn't read my poetry, he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything.
I can't imagine he doesn't miss that a little bit. Because I know I miss him much more than I'd ever be willing to admit.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006