Your seat has been taken
October 15, 2002 @ 2:18 p.m.
I would like to start this entry out by saying I want to fuck Eminem. Hard. Repeatedly. Now.
Anyway.
It's so strange, because before, you see, I was so hell-bent on believing that Fort Wayne was my Mecca. Now I stare at the ground and drool like a lady off her rocker because I remember unhappiness as a constant source of refreshment there too. It's like a new revelation (although all old terms) and suddenly I'm so angry.
I was such a child then, and listening to Jettingham again for the first time in a long time I realize exactly how childish I still am. See, all those feelings came back last night, a shuddering, an orgasm of rushing disappointments that brought me back to ten months or so ago. I want to fall for it again and yet I sneer at it.
There's many, too many, people asking whether I miss it, and scoffing at my new school (enough to almost make me defend it). They ask what I miss the most, and I make something up. How can I explain it's whatever I'm reminded of on a daily basis, by a certain song, or smell, or name? How do I explain it's usually an instant reaction of throat-closing followed by tears and intense recollection of melancholy that can last all day or week?
I struggle to not remember most days, to sever all links between that place and myself because of the sadness it causes.
Headaches, massive weight gain, body aches I don't try to explain, intense self-hatred, increasing sensitivity to light and to comments, a constant need for sadness and sighing. I hate it, I fear it, I fear it will be forever.
I fear I haven't a place.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006