Those rainy days
June 24, 2002 @ 2:55 p.m.
I've spent hours, days mulling over what I have come to want or expect in someone I'd be happy to expend large amounts of energy and emotion upon. Although I am usually very timid when it comes to labelling what exactly I want, I think I have begun to delve into that frightening pool of indecision. And, in pondering, has emerged the following:
I am in need of someone who is intensely strong. Not physically; the insistence upon that is abhorrent to me, especially if someone looking like myself insists upon it. No, rather, I'm looking for mental and emotional strength. I am in need of someone who trusts themselves enough that they can deal with all my various emotional psychoses.
You see, I am not a nice person when it comes to devotion. Most likely the closer you get to me, the more I try to push you away. An emotional defense, I put ones I want to care about through a trial by fire, constantly questioning their motives for dealing with me. Most people grow tired of my constant doubts and walk away. I need someone who can be strong enough to stand being alienated for a time.
Motivation is another key factor in the ideal. I have quickly found that must-do-alls annoy me, because they are too much like the white picket fence parent I never want to be. Rather, I would much rather have someone who was passionate about a few things and constantly worked to obtain or get better at their passions. Sports, music, cars, bowling, termite racing -- it doesn't matter, as long as they love it.
Quirks. I love little idiosyncrasies in people, whether they're physical or otherwise. I like to see if they will talk in a baby voice to their pet fish, if they have a longer right arm, if they are a bit obsessive-compulsive or even if they have a routine over asinine things. I love to watch people and find out what they like, and the more personal, the better.
I am beginning to believe that both God and romance are long dead, and I would like someone who either agrees with me or who can prove me wrong. In my more optimistic moments, I could tend to believe in both, but I'd like to see if someone could sway my decision one way or another. I don't expect sunsets and roses; perhaps I'm jaded, but I don't believe that exists. I'd much rather have an opinion than a flower, although both can wilt easily.
Humor. It's simple. They must have it, and I must enjoy it. And vice versa.
As far as my poetry goes, I want someone who is well enough versed and also intelligent enough to read it, ask questions, notice improvements, and give criticism. I'm very selfish when it comes to my work, probably one of the more selfish things about me. It's such a monumental, revealing part of me that I want someone to truly want to understand it. It is very important and I will insist on all seriousness regarding it.
Looks. Now. I will not say that looks are not important, because that's not true. It's what you first experience and therefore must be given some level of importancy. Let's face it, I enjoy a good ass as much as anyone. But truly, what's physically important to me are the eyes, the hands, and the smile. The eyes and hands reveal all sorts about a person's character, and a smile shows kindness. Eye color and hand size have never been an issue, just that they're expressive...
I can't explain exactly how I often find these features more attractive than any other features -- I suppose it's the repressed romantic in me wanting some sort of release. Coming from someone who finds her same features attractive, it is a feeble attempt to level the playing field and naively hoping someone will notice me on the level I notice them.
My cynicism appearing again, I can't say I'll ever find this ideal, or even hope to find them. Frankly, I think it's impossible to get exactly what you want, this being just an example. I'll always have the idea, though, for safekeeping, and maybe even for those stereotypical rainy days I hear so much about.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006