Miss Cleo it all
March 05, 2002 @ 1:41 p.m.
Janice: you were the one who was talking about the veil [over your eyes]
Janice: you have to stepback to free your line of vision
Kelly: I hate him now, and I hate that I hate him
Janice: you dn't hate him
Kelly: then what is this I'm feeling?
Janice: frustration
Kelly: at what?
Janice: the situation
Kelly: that I can't have what I want?
Kelly: or that he's a pot-smoking dumbass?
Janice: that your hope was in vain
Janice: that he's not worth all the time you put into him
Janice really is wonderful. She puts into words everything that I can't.
I talked to Becky about it. And it helped.
But I woke up so angry.
And I cannot, I cannot get over it.
My anger, and my frustration, floods me.
Janice is right: I'm feeling this way because of all the time I put into him was for naught.
All I did, said, was for nothing. He doesn't even want to be my friend.
He doesn't give a shit, either way.
And yet I can't give up trying to make him.
I'm always like that, trying to force people to care about me. I don't know why. It just causes me pain and them confusion.
And why I grow angry, I don't know.
I want them to care. Desperately.
I want to be his girlfriend, his friend, even just an acquaintance. It doesn't matter to me, ultimately, what I am to him.
Just as long as I am somebody. I don't care who. I just want him to care, call me up sometime, laugh with me, not feel like he's putting on a show.
It always feels that way when I have been with him, even alone.
I know he's not comfortable. I'm not comfortable.
I don't like feeling like a duty, a chore that must be done before the real fun starts.
That's not fair to him, and not fair to me either.
I am very sad, and confused, and frustrated with all of this. I thought perhaps I knew what was going to happen in all of this.
I thought I could Miss Cleo it all.
I've learned I'm neither Jamaican nor psychic.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006