Would you like a rose?
March 24, 2002 @ 4:05 p.m.
It's strange, glancing at my buddy list and seeing you gone. You're always online, in one form or another.
Ah, there you are. You frightened me with your short absence.
I find comfort lately in your voice. It's improvisation in an otherwise scripted life.
Alex Band is officially hilarious. Read his tour diary. It's quite amusing, at least to me. Then again, I'm easily amused.
Why do you keep disappearing? Do you know how upsetting it is for some reason to me?
Well, of course not. And if you did, you wouldn't care anyway. I don't know why I expect you to.
Enough. I'm tired of thinking of you.
It's raining outside, and I don't want to walk through it. I feel like I walk through an eternal rainshower as it is.
I feel like the only one not questioning where my life is going and criticizing how I'm going there is Steve. He kinda looks like this, except not as...I don't know...dark.
I spent fifteen minutes looking for those damned pictures and that's the best I could come up with. Leave me alone. I tried.
Still raining. I still don't want to leave. Still trying to find a reason to stay.
I don't know what I'm wanting to find in you, but I know if I never talk to you again, I can say I've become a better person because of you.
I hesitate to think you can say the same about me. In fact, I shy away from that thought.
Randomness consumes me.
Um.
Looks like spring cleaning is going to happen whether it's spring outside or not. I simply have to get through these issues.
Issues you say? *gasp* What issues can Kelly possibly have?
Well, for one, my deal with men. That's a major project. I have fronkin' issues with that.
(By the way, don't ask me what fronkin' means. I'm not quite sure.)
I have to learn to open up to people, especially the ones that I like. I cannot trust what I do not see, but there are too many chances I could have taken, had I courage.
I haven't it.
I'm preparing myself for hurt before it's actually occurred, dug up the worms before it's even begun raining.
Well, it's raining now, but things aren't getting any better.
I don't know how to fix it. But I know it must be done. I guess I confide my secrets in people entirely too little. Superficial things, of course.
But as many crushes as I've had, as many obsessions and perhapses and might-have-beens, I have yet to give anyone my whole heart.
Because I'm afraid. Oh, I'm so afraid. It's akin to falling and not knowing how or when or where you're going to land. I trust logic entirely too much in matters of the heart.
This is the beginning of my therapy. But self-therapy is slow, painful. Lonely.
And not my idea of a good time.
The only reason I go at it at all is because I know I will be forever alone otherwise. I don't want to be alone forever. I've been alone eighteen and a half years.
That's about enough, I'd say.
Another spring cleaning project is self-image. Yeah, got to work on that. I am not comfortable with myself and in being so am not comfortable with others.
I tend to blame it all on my father, and like a fellow diarylander said, I really don't have room to complain.
Shit could be a lot worse. Shit could be a lot worse.
I have to quit making these weeds in my life, using them, cultivating them so they grow beautifully and spawn others.
I'd say it's spring cleaning time. No time like the present, rainy conditions to sprout cultivations.
It's my job to beat the weeds down, and grow some damn pretty flowers instead.
Would you like a rose?
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006