How I fear the "or else"
March 25, 2002 @ 11:48 a.m.
Matt put me on the air last night. And I so have it on tape.
I called in because XEssentials guest Matthew Sturm was complaining that no one was calling the station. He also wanted to pretend to be Adam Carrolla (aka, doing the Loveline thing).
You gotta appease the man who sings "Rusted Road". I mean, honestly, you must.
So I decided what the hell and dialed 747-7711. Matt (J.) answered and I said "Hey Matt, it's Kelly!"
He didn't seem super enthused, but both perked up as I mentioned the Loveline question. I posed "Last time Matt came over, he gave me this really bad rash and I was just wondering if it was going to go away."
While Matt Sturm began taking all sorts of Adam Carrolla tangents (as Adam just does so beautifully, and Matt imitates so beautifully), Matt J. said, "Okay, Kelly, don't swear."
"...Okay..."
"I'm gonna put you on the air."
Oh fucking hell. "Oh geez, um, okay."
Matt instructed me quickly to not use his name but rather the always ambiguous "my boyfriend" and then Matthew Sturm began his impression and we were live.
"Kelly. You're 18. What's goin' on."
"Um, last time my boyfriend came over he gave me a really bad rash, and I was just wondering if that's gonna go away."
Keep in mind that I was just a tad panicked, as I was a radio virgin until this point. I, personally, was very impressed with the fact that I even remembered what to say.
Matt Sturm/Adam continues with, "Uh, what does the rash look like?"
"Um...(we hadn't discussed this, so I had to make something up, and I'm so not good at ad-libbing)...it's big..."
"Kelly" -- this is Matt jumping in as Dr. Drew -- "are there white bumps on the rash?"
"Yes."
"Kelly, let me look in my medical journal." Matt rustles some papers and comes up with a name that I'm guessing on the spelling and am very glad that I can never contract. "It could be arthlo(phlegm noise)psychofegnes."
"That sounds bad."
"Drew, you're being a jackass," pipes up Matt/Adam.
"Adam, I'm just trying to help her out here."
"Let me just say one thing here. All right, Kelly, here's what you need to do. Ditch your boyfriend, get rid of him. And just, uh, go out and get it on with as many people as you possibly can."
"All right. Thank you."
"Thank you, Kelly," Drew/Matt says, ending the sketch.
I knew from talking with Sean that the DJ putting you on hold doesn't necessarily mean that they're done with you yet and listened as Matt squared burst into peals of laughter and went off on a tangent of how they would probably be sued.
As soon as the break was over, Matt clicked back over to the phone. "Thanks, Kelly, appreciate it."
Him saying my name four times in one night was an orgasm in itself to me...I have a huge name fetish and that's been the most he's ever said my name, ever.
"Oh, no problem. Have a good birthday!"
"Thanks, take care." Click.
And the two of them were back on the air, already forgetting that little escapade.
It was strange to hear Matt J. say to Matt Sturm that "It's cool, man, I know her" when the latter Matt expressed doubt on the sketch. I don't know if I was disappointed that he didn't specify that we were friends or whatever...and maybe I'm reading way too much into it.
(I tend to do that sometimes.)
But at least I have an idea of where he thinks we're at now, which is something I didn't have a clue at before.
Yes, I probably am reading too much into the whole situation. But I have to clue myself in somehow.
Now I know. Now I have to break away. Robin says that I will find someone out there worthy of my attention, and that someday Matt will look back and realize what he has lost.
With him, I fear that I know him too well. I fear that will never be the case.
Maybe he's just as insecure as I am, and hides behind a facade of a badass just as I hide behind my face of "everything's chronically all right."
Then there's always the idea that I'm giving him too much credit. Maybe he really is that cold and callous to me on purpose, and treats me the way he does because he believes that he can.
I need to locate my backbone and tell him that I am tired of it. He can't treat me like that...or else.
Oh, but how I fear that "or else."
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006
