All sorts of wonderful
April 06, 2002 @ 11:42 a.m.
(All right, just so you know, I was up at three this morning and therefore I have a lot to say. I've been up seven hours already and have yet to open my mouth to anyone. I'm sorry if it doesn't follow or make sense, but I rarely do, so you all should be used to that by now. Moving on.)
I was up with the dawn today, greeted it like a girl does her new lover, with shy smiles and half-closed eyelids forming dewdrops. I was wishing I had someone to share it with, that beautiful glorious madness of morning, that birdsong, that ultimate quiet.
The night peeled off like layers, softly. I sat at my doorstep, wishing that I smoked, because I'd have a reason for my being outside if someone asked. I had slept horribly, asleep at ten, awake at three. Shadows and silhouettes formed, bent. I smiled, breathed silicon stripes of good morning, and traveled back to my bed.
I watched God appear today, quietly. What did you do?
It was a time that I believed profoundly, if only for a while. I could see everything so clear and crisp and cold. It made that hour seem weightless, without you. It was an hour all right without you.
It got colder, not warmer. A cold sun, today. The day had already been fondled, explored, and so I went inside to see if I could not sleep again, among the morning.
I could not, and instead listened to Rick Dees make an ass out of himself before finding the right remote and flipping channels to MTV2. And Dashboard Confessional's "Screaming Infidelities."
The video made my heart leap the first time I saw it. I had no idea so much pain could be expressed through image, and twist, and turn of thought. Chris's look cried out to the girl in me, the one who wanted to hold him forever and claim he'd be all right, even if it wasn't true.
It was not the video itself that moved me, it was the song, and the expression of it through two images. If you haven't seen it, this won't make sense, but I have two images that my mind keeps dwelling upon. One is of this look he gets when he's playing the guitar within the open first minute.
The other one, that's stronger than the other, is when he and the girl kiss. It's not so much the kiss as it is where his hands are placed....curling around the fringe of her shirt, enclasping himself in her. Those stupid little things are things I notice, things I need for myself.
After drowning in that, and John Mayer, I decided that cute boys needed to be banned. And then I started thinking, which of course is always a bad sign.
Why is it that the most unattractive men always seem to get beautiful women? What the hell are they doing right that attracts girls like bees to honey? I'm afraid it's not something I understand in the least, and it's not returned.
After all, how many ugly girls do you see with gorgeous men?
That's what I thought.
I think perhaps I should stop rambling now. I'm going to go find pictures of Puddle of Mudd lead singer Wes Scantlin. I don't normally like long-haired boys, but he's rather tasty.
I would love for him to say "You look all sorts of beautiful today." That would be all sorts of wonderful.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006