Twinge with conscience
April 12, 2002 @ 1:50 p.m.
There's only two ways I want to be right now: either delightfully comatose, breathing softly against my pillow, concentrating on everything I won't care about come consciousness.
The other involves naked bodies, hands with Matt. I only wish I could feel comfortable enough with myself to expose everything and brave enough to make it all happen. I know he thinks of sex as animalistic expression, as an act that can taste beautiful.
I also know that if I convinced him that I didn't care, he would have sex with me. He would get up, go and leave, or leave me in his bed out of duty while he explored other options in a bottle. It would mean nothing to him, and perhaps he would see my lost and angry eyes as I gave up my virginity for all the wrong reasons, to a boy I barely knew and had all the wrong feelings for.
Perhaps he would twinge with conscience.
I'm really quite upset that I've learned nothing from all this, that I am still going to care for him, place him upon a pedestal, let him use me in all the wrong ways. I'm sure all whom have observed this drama find it quite disheartening. I'm trying to help it, I just find that I can't.
It's going to rain.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006
