Distance
April 13, 2002 @ 11:21 a.m.
Oh. Oh my.
I love M so much it hurts sometimes. Want to know why?
Read this. It will explain everything.
I don't know why I've been so emotional lately....so depressed. It's a funk I can't shake nor have encouraged by melodrama, like I normally do. Instead, I've been trying to rid myself of it for a while now.
This one is different. I can't just force it away if I push hard enough. I know there are people out there worried for me. I can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, picture their wrinkled foreheads as they try to grasp what exactly I can't get past.
I don't think people can grasp or fathom the amount of self-hatred they have, and I don't think they understand it. I can see their perspective; I have had a life that some consider decent. I have a tendency to hurt myself in order to obtain attention. I realize all this.
I just don't know how to fix it. I despise myself of late, which is actually unusual. Normally I can look in the mirror and accept what I see as the dismal truth.
For the past week and a half, I cannot accept what I see in that mirror. I am sickened by the glaring continent of pale skin, of the brittle hair that's turning all sorts of blonde again, the petulant kindergarten hands, the nervous lips...I cannot accept this as desirable.
I thought perhaps going away would fix things, fix so many things I didn't have the courage nor the means to fix before. But I was wrong; new problems have formed and the old ones grown more complicated. Relationships have faded, warped. I've formed new ones to realize that they're all too complicated for my mind, and I make them into creatures that they are not.
I feel as though in leaving I'm losing everything that I worked for and maybe even deserved. I will leave here, and gain just as much weight on my heart as on my hips. And much worse, it pains me to think that I may not be missed.
Oh I know who I will be missed by, and for that I thank you. It is unutterable how much I will miss you. But those whom I want to miss me...guess what? I'm doubting they'll remember my name upon my return.
I still can't get over it. How much I love the way he collapses in giggles. I love his laugh, his voice. I love the way he says certain words. No one can understand this, especially myself. There are some days that I wish I had never heard him and Jettingham on the air, had never e-mailed him, never gone to that Rosemary Gates concert.
I want it to go away. I want this mood to fade. I don't want to see someone, tell them of my thoughts. And Chris is right. I try less and less to write of what I really feel in here, because I know those who read worry of me.
I'm asking you not to. I promise, I'll be fine. I'll shake this, I shake everything. I'll take care of myself, I'll move on. Cedar Rapids will help all of that. I know it will. It must. He will fade from my mind. It just needs time, and distance.
Do you know how much I fear Distance?
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006
