After a time
March 18, 2003 @ 10:41 a.m.
There's my irrational fear creeping up on me again, this fear that makes me yearn for dark corners so I could curl up in a ball and rock back and forth, held tight within my own self-loathing. Although yesterday was reassuring with all the smiles and how are yous, I am scared. Because these people were not my peers, they were my elders. And I know I can please my elders, I do it all the time. What I fear is my peers: ironically the ones that say they like me are the ones that I fear the most.
Seeing Robin won't be so bad, hopefully, because she focuses things enough towards her end that I am left feeling unthreatened. Matt I won't end up seeing, I guarantee it, and that's all for the best (although he's on my mind enough that I won't mention it). But the idea of seeing Sean is so real that I can almost breathe it in, and the idea is so hyperventilatingly frightening.
He is so concerned, and so lovely, that I become this sardonic bitchtard on the outside, all the while shaking and withering and wondering "Good enough? Good enough?" As much as someone can tell me that we are equal, I know better. I am not like Sean because I do not accept myself as good and true and happy. Sean, and people like him, are first-class citizens.
I have trouble breathing around him because of the personality he brings -- there are fistfuls of it. Having people like Sean look at me brings about an unspoken terror and a shame so deep it's caustic. I recognize this fear as irrational and harmful and perhaps even the beginnings of some phobia that may overtake me one day. I can picture myself retreating further and further into carpentered confines until I am literally backed into corners, shrieking.
I have already felt the slight backhand of panic appear in random moments that I think about seeing Sean, or Matt, or others. I am afraid of them and what realigned first impressions they will have. I am afraid they will laugh and point behind my back. I am afraid I care so desperately and they don't care at all. I am afraid that I am not worthy of a solitary glance from a solitary one of them, and I am afraid they know this as well.
This fear hangs as though in salt water and lurks just where it would ultimately force me to. I could be thin forever and still have someone scrape me from the sidewalk. It is not my weight at all, I have decided, but rather the fact that I believe I am not good enough, and it has embellished and hidden and interwoven itself into the excuse of my weight. How I would love to come back here and look as though I hadn't eaten properly in months, but that wouldn't resolve the true problem. In fact, it would probably make it worse because then I would be tuned in to the shallowness of people.
I suppose, because I'm not the type that likes to work hard for things (especially those that should be easy to come by), I'd rather have something to distract me, so it was something I could bury deep, like memories. Something I would forget about, after a time.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006