Already gone
November 20, 2002 @ 10:51 a.m.
I am not nice. Never said that I was, but many seem to think I am, or should be. But I am not nice. Funny, perhaps (although scathingly so). Relatively intelligent. But not nice. Those who say that it's shyness ?no, I'm not shy. As I told Bobby, I'm too much fuck the world. No, rather, I just don't like you. I don't want to talk to you. And I don't want you taking up my time or space. I just do not like you.
This leaves less room for me to be fake, however. If I'm smiling at you, chances are the feeling is real and reflects sincere feelings. I'm not usually the type to keep my thoughts and opinions hidden without good reason ?therefore I don't have many friends. It seems being blunt terrifies many. There are those who do appreciate my bluntness, however, and I'm happy with them and they with me.
You know, Jessica. Jessica is the kind that I consider the good kind of fat. The friendly kind of fat. The kind children run to and men appreciate. It is her personality that makes her the loved and sexually appreciated person that she is. (A teddy bear, transfixed with a smile. Not a bad thing, with her.)
And it is this void of personality which makes me the bad kind of fat. I am the fat girl who is fat of her choosing, a girl who was mocked once and vowed that they ain't seen nothin yet."/P>
Who screams now "Look at me! You wanted me hideous, here is hideous! Look upon what you have made, what we have made together! Look at me!"
A girl who cannot stop, now.
And in the end I suppose I'm just another girl with an Electra complex, trying forever to please her omni-lethargic semipresent father-god. I have been told it can be helped. It cannot be helped. It can be medicated. Everything can be medicated, to make you go numb. To make you forget.
But how can I forget, how can I forget how I have failed when countless eyes skim over me, disinterested, when this very father-god asks me about my studies but my brother's love life?
Is Sean dating anyone?"/P>
"Why don't you ever ask me if I'm dating someone?"/P>
A nervous laugh, you. (How could you?) Because you're too busy to be dating!" The real reason barely averted.
And I cannot tell you (and you cannot imagine) what it feels like. When you realize that the one you do everything for (despite yourself) shakes his head and mutters "Not good enough." You cannot imagine what happened to my littlegirl heart then, when I realized that I was not beautiful enough for my daddy. That I was this clumsy, dull thing that could not be loved by Him.
Why, then, would I ever be loved by anyone else? Why, then, would I ever love anyone?
I have come to this conclusion subconsciously so many times. It is only now that I try to explain my anathema towards the world, and the true reason my weight is where it is. To the world I am callous, breathtakingly cynical. My personality has already faded, become the littlest pile of dust.
I am already gone.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006