from the livejournal: tell me, why was I such a chore?
January 23, 2004 @ 10:13 a.m.
I put this in my livejournal a while ago, but it's a lot of how I'm feeling today (and I'm a lazy ass), so I'm going to post it in here.
"Lately I've been preoccupied with the thought of having someone. I keep telling myself that I don't want or need anyone, mostly because no one ever wants or needs me and it's a defense mechanism, to keep me from finding promises in half-heartedness. But I'm getting sad about it, and I never was so sad about it before. I want to cause a smile on someone's face when they think about me. I want to mean something to somebody. I wnat someone to care about me just as much as I care about them. And there's a (logical?) part in me that knows I will never have that. Never.
"But it's getting ridiculous. I feel like I'm in one of those awful chick flicks, where the female or male lead is walking through the park and all they see are couples. Couples cuddling and kissing and walking together. But always two.
"I will never have a partner. And it's only partly my fault. Like I've said time and time and time again, there are some people who are just destined to be alone. I am one of those people. The faster I fucking accept that, accept that I am not girlfriend, fiancee, wife material for anyone, it'll just be easier. God, I sound like a whiny emo kid. I wish there was a way for me to sound sincere, for me to not care what other people think. But very few people will tell me what I need to hear -- it's mostly what I want to hear (to get me off of their backs about such things). I need to hear what I know is the truth. I need to hear that I'm not good enough to have a partner. Because it's FUCKING TRUE!
"Ugh. And, you know. It's okay. Because it feeds fuel for my poetry, which is what is important, in the end. Not having that love -- constantly longing for it -- constantly longing for someone -- for something -- that is the lifestuff of my poetry. That is what I need. That unrequited love, that safe belief that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. That is what I am familiar with.
"God, I'm not like any other girl I know. Sometimes I think it's a good thing that I don't fuss over clothes and makeup and gossip. Sometimes I think it's good that I'm pensive, that I can hold a conversation, that I don't snap my gum and say "like" too much. And then I realize these are the same girls that have perky breasts and beautiful fucking stomachs and, more importantly, these are the girls who are falling in love. These are the girls that are getting second glanaces, flirtations, felt up and followed home. These are the girls that get to interact with men, that get to look back twenty years from now and say, "Yeah, I remember when I was thin once, and stupid once, and so full of promise."
"I won't get to say that.
"And believing that I'll always be virginal...ah, another great colleague that's going nowhere fast. I may be different from many girls in most other ways, but I have daddy issues. Just ask Aaron. I have plenty of daddy issues. I'd give it up soon enough to anyone who pretended to pay attention. I'm sure someday it'll happen. I'll be tricked into feeling something and then lose the something that's been with me for quite a long time, longer than any of you (although it isn't as important as I'd like to believe). Oh yeah, I'm no different than any other girl that way. I have daddy issues. I'll spread my legs. Ah, but here's the kicker:
"(no one wants it.)
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen. The kicker! The one that kicks you right in the balls, that's how much it hurts when you learn the truth! No one wants my virginity. It's a stigma now. When you're in your teens, sure. It's cute. It's a sign of loyalty to something -- yourself, a god, whatever. Now that I'm no longer a teenager, it's strange. It's a question. Well, what caused THIS? Why haven't you had sex yet? Are you a prude? Are you afraid? Are you a lesbian?
"(Jesus Christ.) To be short: no, yes, and no. Is it too much to ask for just one, just one, somebody who can feel something good for me just for a bit, just so I cave in, just so I don't have to wash this cleandirty stigma off of my hands every time I jill off? Can't it just be ripped away from me so I grow up, move on, realize that my Prince Charming is Jonny At-The-Mall, serving out pretzels to overweight soccer moms and preteens? Realize that he's not looking for me, anyway?
"Goddamnit. I'm sick of this."
And it's just the truth, is all. It's what I can accept today as the truth, as I sit alone here in this too-quiet library and wait for classes that numb the brain instead of stimulating it. I do not know why I woke up this morning. There is no reason, today.
Feeling: happy for Aaron but otherwise pretty crappy.
Listening to: myself cough.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006