Tears in your eyes (for me)
June 11, 2002 @ 11:58 a.m.
Bastards! I just deleted my whole entry. Really. Diaryland should have a save button. I've decided this.
You know, on the way to the computer, I had a topic that was very important to me, one that I knew I should discuss and that the people should know my opinion on.
I forgot it. Seems about right, eh?
Yes, I'm feeling all sorts of Canadian today, especially because of M's diary. Canadians rock oh so much.
So everyone important in my life knows now...I'm not going back to Indiana, not this year. For my personal sanity, I've decided I just can't take the chance. And it's not what anyone did, necessarily...it's what I did to myself while I was there. I have to become much more sane before I go back there.
I also have to make sure that is where I want to be. I don't want to pay $40,000 in loans the rest of my life if that's ultimately a bad place for me. I'm learning that I'm very self-destructive, and my thoughts can be captured in a single moment all too well. I want to start thinking more clearly yet also more complicatedly.
Okay, two things. I just made up a word, and I have no idea what I just said.
I told Becky last night, and she wasn't as upset as I thought she might be. Telling her I wouldn't be a part of her life as overwhelmingly as I once was frightened me a bit. It wasn't the telling her part that I feared; rather, the part that this is becoming more real, and therefore more saddening, every day, every time I tell someone.
I must keep telling myself that this is better for me, and most of the time I truly do believe this. I must keep telling myself I can visit. There's just a sliver of "what if?" in me that realizes who I'm leaving behind. So many people that I care about so deeply. To think about it is just self-induced anguish, and I promised myself I'd stop that too. But at least Becky knows now. At least she knows.
Oh, and people. Check out my life quotes, on the sidebar o'er there. I updated major, and I swear if you don't laugh at least once when you read them, you're not human. I swear it.
Argh. Nothing more to say.
"I could pretend I was good enough for you
so when I laid next to you
You'd get tears in your eyes for me"
.....
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006