You know
June 12, 2002 @ 2:15 p.m.
Oh, honey. I know. Yes, oh yes, I know.
I know you're in pain. I know you think I betrayed you. I know you're angry and hurt and confused, even if you won't admit it. I know you're upset with my choice, and I know it's because it doesn't coincide with your choices.
But I know you know I'm stubborn. You known on decisions important to me, I can make good ones. You know that I can be headstrong and an individual. You know that I can think for myself but very rarely do.
The fact that I can, though, is what scares you. I know it does. Deep inside you, you know that our plans for the future melded beautifully for a time. You know I loved Fort Wayne, love Fort Wayne still, and will never regret my decision to move there.
Oh, honey, you also know it was my decision to stay here. You know I'm not as easily persuaded as I might seem sometimes. All the decisions I've ever made, I've made by myself, for myself, I know you know that. And now, all the pleading and guilt-tripping and finger-pointing will do nothing. You know that it will accomplish nothing except to push me away, tell you less.
I know you don't want that.
You know, when I first learned about all of these feelings that you had and had not expressed to me, I was angry. I was angry that you would insinuate that I was a liar, that you thought I had betrayed you. Worst of all, I was angry that you believed that through coercion or bribery I could be made to stay anywhere.
But then, after some thought, I knew. I know now you are scared because I mean so much to you, but even now you are afraid to say it. Something I'm beginning to learn is that I have to appreciate those around me and let them know what they are to me and that they are loved. After your father's death, I know that is one thing you vowed to work on. I also know it's difficult for you. I invite you to practice on me.
I know there have been times where I wonder if our friendship is worth all the trouble we put it through. Then I look at the Kleenex you sent me through the mail and think of stair surfing and our music video and I wonder why I even questioned it.
You know our friendship is worth all the drama we put it through. I know that too. I know you believe me to be a sane and logical person, but you must understand to stay that way I cannot be in Fort Wayne right now. You know it's obviously not just about finances, but finances play a part.
You know I will never be rich, and as much as money has never been an issue with me in the past, I must make a mature decision and begin to make it one.
I know you're angry and hurt and scared right now, but know this: I never betrayed you. I never turned my back, and if it ever seemed that way, I'm sorry. I should have been a better listener, should have observed more. But I never stopped being your friend, being your best friend.
Know this. I am here always for you -- perhaps not always in body. But you are in my thoughts always. And there are plenty more memories to have between us. Distance did not destroy your relationships with anyone I know thus far; in fact, I have often heard you say they grow better because of it. Let our relationship be like that.
Know this: your way is not always mine. I chose the past year for myself because it was what I needed, but our paths may not always look the same. Allow me to think and act for myself if only so I can be a better friend and person to you.
Yes, I know this hurts, because I mourn my loss of the life I had in Fort Wayne very deeply, and I know you mourn this too. But can't we mourn together? I am asking you not to push me away. You may hate me for my decision and have a million reasons why, but share them with me.
I know in time, you just might. And you know I'll be waiting utnil then with anticipation that you might trust me that much yet.
I'll be here, you know.
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- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006