holy hell from my mother
December 01, 2003 @ 6:54 p.m.
Okay. I've talked to Aaron a little bit on the phone, I'm a little bit less homicidal/suicidal, so I can write about last night.
Yesterday afternoon was relatively uneventful -- work, and boring work at that. The bright spot was that Aaron came to check his email and see me, which was sweet.
After work, Aaron and I went to Carlos O'Kelly's, and then back to his place. I put some more poetry that I had found into his book and he listened to some music, then we watched "The Wedding Singer". After that we went into his bedroom and took a nap together, which was so comfy and cute. He's cute when he sleeps. He doesn't believe me, but it's true.
Leaving out the details (just because it's better that way), I was over at his place until one a.m. I went home to grab my stuff and head back to Cedar Falls -- and caught holy hell from my mother.
She told me that I needed to make "good decisions" and that we were going to talk about this later. I glared at her, felt more than slightly murderous, and left. I cannot have that conversation with her. I cannot. There will be lots of shouting and cuss words and years of pent-up frustration at having to be the good perfect unwavering daughter for her involved. And I tend to love and respect my mother generally too much to do that.
Times like this, I miss Fort Wayne, where I never had to report to anybody. She makes me fucking call her every night I get into Cedar Falls, "just in case you're in the parking lot and somebody decides to rape you." Oh fucking Christ. I used to walk the St. Francis campus at midnight by myself, 400 miles away. What's the difference? I can take care of myself.
So that is why I'm more than a little upset. It seems trivial, except that it truly isn't. It's about my mother controlling my life, and I want her to know that I am unable to stand it anymore. I cannot be what she wants me to be. It is impossible to be perfect. And I'm done trying.
Tonight I get to see Aaron again, though. So maybe I'll get calm. He always seems to make me calm.
Feeling: a little calm, a little homicidal.
Listening to: Anne help a patron (I'm at work)
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always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
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I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006