Just you watch
June 03, 2002 @ 3:12 p.m.
I don't care who you've been kissing on these days it's more than fair...I need a beer -- I'm tired of being encased in "My Friend Peter." It's forever lingering in my mind since I've heard its rather melancholy punk lines. Thanks to Matt for introducing me to one song that refuses to leave my head...someone I'm missing lots, I suppose those feelings manifest themselves any way possible.
I suppose that means even in his favorite music. Oh, how I miss the way he peers through those squinty eyes or out from underneath that perpetual hat, the way his lips grip his cigarette as he takes a drag, how his hands fidget and he giggles nervously at all the wrong things because he must.
There I am being all sorts of romantic again. I hate when that happens, because I thought perhaps distance would change things, and it had, for a while. However, I find as soon as he begins paying attention to me again, I sink into his taffypull heartstrings of halfway decent ramblings.
What?
It is surprising to me, sometimes, the amount of pointless drivel that echoes through my head day in and day out. And why am I so pigheadedly proud? This whole job thing has me believing I'm more like my father than I ever wanted to be.
Like him, I enjoy my self-pity much too much. The pessimism's the joint and I'm the smoker -- it's inevitable that my lips will touch it. I may not inhale but I still love the sweet smell. Ugh, extended metaphors.
My father is dying socially; in the eyes of others he is ruining the little nub of a life that maybe could have been salvaged. In my eyes he is the ultimate betrayer, the place I wanted for solace and instad found mustardseeds-full of pain.
In him I see all of my bad habits, but also the reason that I'm a Rastafarian melodramatic streetwalker poet. My pain feeds my words and become my version of screaming. He will continue to ruin me as long as I let him and even after I stop letting him.
He will consume me. Just you watch.
<< | >>
- - March 22, 2010
always the same - July 01, 2008
b-a-n-a-n-a-s! - December 25, 2006
elementary again - October 29, 2006
I don't like you, but I love you - October 03, 2006